ELSA MAJIMBO’S GUIDE TO LIFE: NO BABIES, NO BROKE MEN, NO NONSENSE!

In other news, you know that period between February and March when people are trying to recover from Valentine's Day heartbreaks and financial regrets? When they eventually turn March into the month of premium character development and breakfast rehabilitation. Well, while some are still crying over men who left them on read, Elsa Majimbo has dropped the ultimate survival guide for women, and let’s just say… if you’re still out here getting pregnant for men, you are a disaster waiting to happen.

Now, wait, wait, wait!! Ladies, before you start drawing out your machetes and unleashing your dragons to drag, I suggest it’s best you wait and listen to everything she has to say. Yes, I know you saw the video online, but did you go past the first sixty (60) seconds of that video? Yeah, I thought as much. I don’t want to believe that your attention span is as short as a TikTok feed—here today, forgotten before the next scroll. 

It’s not? Oh, that’s good. 

But for me to believe you, you have to read this story to the end. Deal? 

Good!

The US-based Kenyan model and content creator dropped some serious and slightly terrifying life lessons on social media, including the ultimate lesson of all, “Do not get pregnant!”

Ah, social media! The one place where people hear three words -or, in this case, four words - get offended, and start typing essays before even understanding the assignment!

The moment she opened her mouth and said, “Do not get pregnant,” people entered Avengers mode! The attack was instant - keypad captains and Hulks were typing like they were sitting for JAMB.

“Why is she telling women not to have kids?”

“So we should just be barren?”

“You think you know better because you’ve become a celebrity!”

Ahn ahn, can people finish talking before you start fighting?

But then, as the video continued and her points unfolded, everyone started packing their outrage back into their pockets (that’s for those who stayed till after the first 60 seconds). Because lowkey, highkey, Elsa was making sense, and let’s just say if you’re a woman still investing in “potential”, Elsa is begging you to log out of delulu.com.

Now let’s break down the four (4) life rules she released.

Rule No. 1: “Never Get Pregnant”- Your Love Story is Not Ini Edo Nollywood Movie

Elsa came straight out of the gate with a public service announcement. “Do not get pregnant.” And honestly, she has a point. If the only stability in your relationship is the way your partner disappears when it’s time to split bills, why are you trying to sign up for a 25-year contract with him? 

You’re out here thinking a baby will make him stay? Sis, he still hasn’t stayed through a full conversation. Let’s be guided!

Rule No. 2: “Do Not Do Drugs”- Nobody Likes a Crackhead on a Casual Tuesday, not even Bernie Man!

Elsa’s next rule? Stay away from drugs. She said, “If you’re doing drugs on a random day, you have a problem.” And I mean… where’s the lie? If you’re out here getting high just to cope with life’s basic struggles, maybe it’s time to rethink some things. 

Because let’s be honest - life is already hard. Why make it harder by fighting for your last two brain cells? Elsa is advocating for sharp minds, full wallets, and zero nonsense.

And where do you think you are going? The deal was to stay glued till the end of the story, so why are you trying to open that notification you turned on for YabaLeft? Respect yourself, Elsa the First, still has more to say.

Rule No. 3: “Be Educated”- Even If It’s Just Knowing How To Fry Plantain Properly, Opeyemi Will Approve!

This one right here? She’s talking to all of you. Elsa made it clear that women should have skills that can pay the bills - whether it’s a degree, a trade, or just being the queen of something useful (and no, looking cute on Instagram or going live on TikTok to lick ice cream does not count).

Imagine being stranded in life with no money and no talent except “vibes.” What’s the backup plan? Posting aesthetic plants? Let’s do better.

Rule No. 4: “Do Not Rely On a Man”- Because Breakfast is Inevitable, Ask Burna Boy, He Will Confess To You!

Now, you’ve probably heard that phrase before, “Don’t rely on a man.” You can’t remember where you heard it? Let me remind you that before Adam, there was God; same as before Elsa, there was your mother. If you have a Nigerian mum, you must have heard her say this sentence to you, mostly whenever she’s trying to cane you to stay away from those small small boys in your school! Even though these days, they are the ones dragging you to meet those same boys with hopes for marriage. 

Anyways, Elsa took the same advice to another notch as she made it clear to all of you that your future career is to become Oga Wife, that you should stop depending on men for survival. (I can hear your broke boyfriend asking me to turn up the volume.) Why? Because when you rely on someone else’s money, you’re basically signing up for a lifetime of control, manipulation, and unsolicited opinions. 

For this particular rule, Elsa was speaking out of experience - because she survived it.

Remember, earlier this year, Elsa had a whirlwind romance with an Argentinian man. At first, it was all sushi dates and soft life until he switched up real quick. Just one day, he bought her some clothes; the homeboy thought he could control her schedule. 

But then, Elsa realised this was what she was subscribing to: premium regret, so she did what needed to be done - BLOCKED. Because one thing she wasn’t about to do was let a man invoice her for love. 

But I guess some of you don’t mind.

Now, I’m not saying that enjoying a soft life from a rich and generous man is a crime - please, collect your gifts from your helper in peace. But relying TOTALLY on him, along with all your family’s financial burdens, village projects, and unborn generational problems? Ah, ah, fear God! At some point, even he will start questioning if he’s dating/married you or adopted an entire lineage.

There’s a different kind of joy and peace that comes with knowing you can hold your own, whether or not someone else is funding the occasional “just because” shopping spree. Soft life is sweet, but financial independence? Now that’s premium peace of mind. Balance, they say, is key!

Elsa Majimbo isn’t just giving advice - she’s handing out survival kits. If you’re still waiting for a man to finance your entire existence, please reconsider before you end up in a WhatsApp group titled “Women That Have Seen Shege.” I guarantee you, though, that this WhatsApp group exists. My neighbor’s daughter is their admin.

So, if I don't let you go now, you may want to call me out for holding you up against your will. But congratulations, you made it to the end of the story. 

Now go and think about a profitable challenge you can jump on and leave the jumping-to-conclusion challenge for those that will soon learn - and they will learn the hard way.

I’ll see you in Other News!