Welcome to the inaugural edition of The Monkey Post - where we celebrate football by absolutely roasting everyone who didn't get three points. This weekend's Premier League action gave us drama, comedy, and pure embarrassment. Let's break down all the results.
Friday, January 3rd, 2026 - Premier League Results
Bournemouth 2-3 Arsenal - Match Report & Analysis
AFC Bournemouth vs Arsenal highlights, Declan Rice goals, Gabriel mistake
Bournemouth, you bottled it. BOTTLED. IT. You were winning 2-1 and had Arsenal on the ropes. Then Declan Rice remembered he's getting paid hundreds of thousands a week and scored two identical goals to break your hearts. Gabriel started the match by gifting you a goal with the worst pass you'll see all season, then scored to equalize because even he felt embarrassed. But here's the thing - you let ARSENAL come back. The same Arsenal that struggles to beat anyone properly. You had them, and you choked. Story of your life, Bournemouth.
Final Score: Bournemouth 2-3 Arsenal
Saturday, January 4th, 2026 - Premier League Fixtures
Aston Villa 3-1 Nottingham Forest - Match Summary
Villa Park victory, Nottingham Forest losing streak, Villa home record
Nottingham Forest, remember when you were flirting with European spots a few weeks ago? Remember when people were calling you "dark horses"? Well, the horse has been shot DEAD. Villa beat you 3-1 at Villa Park for their 11th straight home win, and you couldn't do anything about it. You've now lost four of your last five games. You're not that guy anymore. You never were sha.
Final Score: Aston Villa 3-1 Nottingham Forest
Brighton 2-0 Burnley - Championship Relegation Battle
Brighton vs Burnley result, Premier League relegation zone, newly promoted teams
Burnley, you're promoted and you're getting battered. Brighton hasn't won in ages - they've been drawing and losing left and right - and you STILL couldn't get a result. They beat you 2-0 like thief caught stealing hot yam. You're fighting relegation, and performances like this are exactly why you'll be back in the Championship next season watching on TV while everyone else plays proper football. Useless club.
Final Score: Brighton 2-0 Burnley
Wolves 3-0 West Ham - First Win of the Season
Wolves first victory, West Ham relegation form, Premier League worst teams 2026
WEST HAM. OH, WEST HAM. You gave Wolves - WOLVES who hadn't won a SINGLE match all season (0-0-19) - their first Premier League victory. You just opened your leg for them like Lekki girls. Wolves scored THREE goals past you. They hadn't scored three goals in a match all season, and you were useless enough to let them win with a clean sheet. This is the sixth time this season you've lost by 3+ goals. SIXTH. That's more than anyone else in the league. You're not just bad, you're historically, comically, tragically bad. Relegation is no longer a threat - it's a promise. You people deserve Koboko!
Final Score: Wolves 3-0 West Ham United
Sunday, January 4th, 2026 - Premier League Sunday Fixtures
Leeds 1-1 Manchester United - Old Trafford Draw
Manchester United draw, Ruben Amorim tactics, Leeds United upset
Manchester United, you drew with a newly-promoted team. At home. Leeds just came up from the Championship and you couldn't beat them. Ruben Amorim is out here talking about wanting to be "the manager, not the coach" - Oga shut up before i slap that your face! Win first! Stop talking nonsense! You had a lead and blew it. To LEEDS. The banter writes itself. Your fans are probably already looking at mid-table and thinking "at least it's not relegation."
Final Score: Leeds United 1-1 Manchester United
Everton 2-4 Brentford - Hat-trick Heroics
Igor Thiago hat-trick, Everton defensive problems, Brentford European push
Everton, you got absolutely BATTERED at home. Brentford's Igor Thiago scored a hat-trick against you. A HAT-TRICK. He now has 14 goals this season - more than your entire team's collective dignity. You conceded FOUR goals at Goodison Park. How can you allow your fans pay good money to watch that nonsense game? Brentford are now seventh and gunning for Europe while you're looking over your shoulder at the relegation zone. David Moyes must be watching this thinking "I left for THIS RUBBISH?"
Final Score: Everton 2-4 Brentford
Fulham 2-2 Liverpool - Title Race Drama
Liverpool dropped points, Fulham comeback, Harrison Reed goal, Premier League title race
Liverpool, you're supposed to be title challengers. You're defending champions. And you let Fulham - mid-table, nothing-to-play-for Fulham - take two points off you. Harrison Reed scored a last-gasp stunner in added time to rescue a draw for them. You should be running away with this league, but instead you're out here dropping points to teams that should be rolling over for you. Arsenal are laughing. City are laughing. Everyone is laughing. Shame on you!
Final Score: Fulham 2-2 Liverpool
Newcastle 2-0 Crystal Palace - Routine Victory
Newcastle United win, Crystal Palace mid-table struggles, Bruno Guimarães
Crystal Palace, you lost 2-0 to Newcastle. Nothing spectacular, just a solid defeat. Bruno Guimarães probably didn't even break a sweat. You're mid-table mediocrity personified. Not good enough to challenge for anything, not bad enough to get relegated. Just... there. Existing. Taking up space. Village people!
Final Score: Newcastle United 2-0 Crystal Palace
Tottenham 1-1 Sunderland - Spurs Bottle Job
Tottenham draw, Sunderland equalizer, Brian Brobbey goal, Spurs fan reaction
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR. You drew with SUNDERLAND. Another newly-promoted side holding you at home. Brian Brobbey scored in the 80th minute to rescue a point for them, and your fans booed you off. BOOED. You're Tottenham - a supposed "big six" club - and you're getting held by Championship graduates. "It's the history of the Tottenham," they said. And they were right. Every single time, you find a way to bottle it. This is who you are. This is who you'll always be. Better leave football and go into badminton. Useless people!
Final Score: Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Sunderland
Manchester City 1-1 Chelsea - Disappointing Draw
Man City vs Chelsea, Enzo Fernández late goal, Premier League top 4 race
This match was boring!!! City and Chelsea played out the most disappointing 1-1 draw you'll ever see. Two of the richest clubs in world football, and this is what you give us? Enzo Fernández scored in the 94th minute to steal a point, which means both of you dropped two points. Pep's probably tearing his hair out (what's left of it), and Chelsea's manager situation is so chaotic they don't even know who's in charge anymore. This match had "we're both exhausted and gave up" energy. Pathetic from both sides.
Final Score: Manchester City 1-1 Chelsea
Gameweek 20 Summary: The Monkey Post Final Word
Premier League Talking Points - January 2026:
- West Ham giving Wolves their first win of the season might be the most West Ham thing ever
- Bournemouth bottling a lead to Arsenal
- Manchester United drawing with Leeds United at Old Trafford
- Tottenham Hotspur drawing with Sunderland at home
- Liverpool dropping crucial title race points to Fulham
If you lost or drew this weekend, just know that somewhere in Nigeria, we're laughing at you.
See you next week for more Premier League banter and roasting. 🐒
