The Grammy Gatekeeper Nobody Asked For

In other news, Portable sat down on Rubbin' Minds and decided to drop a truth bomb that nobody was expecting and nobody asked for.

If you want a Grammy, you need him. Not the Recording Academy. Not good music. Not global appeal. Him.

( falls on the floor while laughing)

"If any artiste wants to collect Grammy in this Nigeria, if you don't feature me, you won't collect Grammy. If you want to collect a Grammy nomination, come and feature me. I am the new face. I am the newborn Fela," he declared on Channels Television.

( shaking head like Seun Kuti)

The self-proclaimed "new-born Fela" is not stopping at music. He also claimed he has earned over ₦100 million from celebrity boxing and single-handedly built the sport in Nigeria. "I use my music career to build Nigeria boxing," he said, as if the entire boxing federation just packed up and went home when he decided to step into the ring.

"I have lookalike like thousand look alike. Even many people are looking up to me," he added because why stop at one delusion when you can have a thousand.

( laughing like Ik Ogbonna)

But here is what the blogs did not tell you.

Sources close to the Grammy committee have leaked that there is actually a new rule in place. Any artiste who features Portable automatically gets their submission disqualified. The committee apparently cannot process entries with lyrics that sound like someone is arguing with their neighbour through a fence. The "Zehn Zehn" effect is considered a public health hazard.

Meanwhile, Nigerian artistes are reportedly avoiding Portable like he is the last person you want to run into at a networking event. But the man is not deterred. He is now planning to challenge Terry G to a boxing match because apparently music is no longer the only industry he wants to "disrupt". If Terry G beats him, Portable will probably claim he sold the fight for ₦50 million. If he wins, he will claim he is the new-born Muhammad Ali.

Portable has convinced himself he is the centre of every universe, music, sports, and apparently the entire entertainment industry. And honestly? The confidence is inspiring. The delusion is entertaining. And we are all just watching.

 (Laughs Uche Jombo, watching Portable crown himself king of everything)

Edgar doesn't lie.

Sources: 'Portable's sister, Madam Kofo Israel, who follows him to every Grammy award meeting.

Check out Cardi B and Maduka Okoye serving us PR stunts in Venice. Read here: Cardi B and Maduka Okoye Are Giving Us Everything. At least that situation has some international appeal. This one is purely a local delusion. You’re probably wondering why I’m still single. Listen to my podcast. Why Am I Still Single? Available right here on checkedgar.com.