In other news, we have found the real reason Portable lost to Carter Efe. Nobody is ready for this.
Now, before you say anything, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking it was the height difference. You are thinking it was Carter Efe's reach advantage. You are thinking it was the anointing oil versus the juju situation that clearly did not go the way Portable planned.
You are wrong on all counts.
(sips tea like Toke Makinwa)
Our sources, the man from Third Mainland Bridge, who now has a generator, a signboard, a small refrigerator selling cold drinks and a customer loyalty card, have conducted a thorough investigation into the events leading up to Friday night's fight. What they found will change everything you think you know about Nigerian celebrity boxing.
Here is the truth.
Portable trained. The man actually trained. He ran. He sparred. He showed up. He was serious about this fight. I want to give him that credit before I tell you the rest of this story because what failed him on Friday night was not his legs or his hands.
It was the jazz.
(laughs like Julius Agwu)
Portable visited his baba weeks before the fight. His baba, a respected and experienced spiritual practitioner who has been in this business long enough to know that results require correct information, prepared the jazz carefully. Powerful jazz. Fight night jazz. The kind of jazz that makes your opponent's punches feel like a soft breeze from a Shoprite AC.
His baba asked one question. One simple question.
"When is the fight?"
Portable said, "June 1st."
The fight was on May 1st.
(hisses like Patience Ozokwo)
So on June 1st, somewhere in Lagos, Portable's jazz will be activated. Fully charged. Fully loaded. Spiritually optimised and ready for combat. I am sure on that day, Portable will be at home eating rice. Carter Efe will be somewhere streaming. The jazz will be there, confused, waiting, ready to destroy an opponent that would never arrive.
By the time May 1st arrived and Portable stepped into the Balmoral Hall, Federal Palace Hotel, Victoria Island, Lagos, the jazz had finished. Completely exhausted. Spiritually depleted. The ancestors had clocked out, collected their transport, and gone home.
Carter Efe arrived with anointing oil applied fresh that very morning.
The result was inevitable.
(opens mouth like Lasisi Elenu)
Portable's baba has since released a statement saying he did everything correctly and that he cannot be held responsible for clients who do not know their own fight dates. He noted that jazz is not Google Calendar. It does not send reminders. It does not reschedule. And it most certainly does not offer refunds.
The judges scored it 27-30. The belt changed hands. The ₦50 million left with Carter Efe. The masquerade that came with Portable went home on a commercial bus. Alone. In silence. With its costume folded on its lap.
And Portable went home to a newborn baby who, according to our sources, looked at him, looked at the empty space where the belt was supposed to be, and immediately started crying.
I'm Edgar Eriakha. And in other news, always confirm the date. With your trainer. With your promoter. And especially with your baba.
Edgar doesn't lie.
Source: The Baba himself. Portable doesn't read our blog, so it's fine.
If you enjoyed this story, you will also enjoy everything else that happened on fight night. Read it here: Portable Lost The Fight. We Need To Talk About Everything That Happened Before, During, And After.
And if any of this is making you question your own planning in life, so am I. Listen to my podcast, Why Am I Still Single? Available right here on checkedgar.com.
