In other news, Portable has woken up and chosen violence. Not against a fellow musician, not against the police, but against a king. A first-class king. And the crime? Giving VeryDarkMan a chieftaincy title.
The Oluwo of Iwo, Oba Abdulrasheed Adewale Akanbi, recently decided that what Nigeria truly needs is another titled citizen. So he invited VDM to his palace in Osun State, dressed him in Aso Oke, and crowned him "Atayese of Yorubaland." (hisses like Patience Ozokwo) Atayese. For what exactly? That's what everyone is asking.
Portable, never one to mind his business, dropped a video that has the internet in a chokehold. "Who gave you the authority that you are conferring another man with a title?" he barked, veins popping. "Why will you give VeryDarkMan a chieftaincy title, a p0rnstar for that matter?" Then he went straight for the jugular: "Hope there's nothing between you two." (clutches pearls like Funke Akindele) The insinuation? Oh, you know exactly what he's insinuating.
But wait, Portable didn't stop there. He questioned the monarch's traditional credentials too. "Oba that you didn't do tradition properly," he said, effectively telling a first-class king that he's doing chieftaincy wrong. In Yoruba culture? That's like walking into your grandmother's kitchen and telling her she doesn't know how to cook jollof. (sucks teeth like Toke Makinwa)
And just to remind everyone that he holds grudges, Portable brought up the Oluwo's old beef with the Ooni of Ife. As if to say, "You've got issues with everybody, don't you?"
Meanwhile, the Oluwo had declared himself "King of the Ratels" during the ceremony and is now telling VDM to consider politics. Because yes, what Nigeria needs is another influencer running for office. At this rate, every TikToker with a tripod will be gunning for governor.
But here is what the blogs did not tell you.
Sources close to the palace have leaked the Oluwo's secret pricing guide. Turns out, "Atayese of Yorubaland" is just the starter package on a chieftaincy tier system. The basic plan goes for ₦5 million, you get the title, a handshake, and one photo op. For ₦10 million, you upgrade to "Otun Atayese", that one comes with palace parking and a reserved seat at Iwo town hall meetings. The VIP package? "Asiwaju of the Ratels", ₦20 million, includes a plot of land (swamp area, but don't ask too many questions) and lifetime Aso Oke supply from the king's tailor, who happens to be his cousin.
VDM? He got the promotional rate. Why? Because he came with his own hashtag, his own movement, and his own hype machine. The Oluwo saw free marketing and pounced. It's basically a Buy-One-Get-One-Free deal, except the "free" part is the king getting to call himself "King of the Ratels" at every event from now till eternity.
And Portable? Oh, this is where it gets juicy. Palace insiders have confirmed that the Oluwo has been running a secret loyalty points system for years. Every viral video earns you 10 points. Every police petition is worth 50 points. A diss track that trends for more than 24 hours? That's 100 points on the spot. VDM hit 500 points, the threshold for "Atayese." Portable is currently stuck at 480 points and is short by exactly one controversy. That's why he's ranting like a man who just missed the last bus. He needs to clock 500 before the end of the month to unlock his own title. But instead of dropping another diss track, he chose to call out the king. Bold strategy. Let's see if it pays off.
The Oluwo, meanwhile, is unfazed. He's already planning the next promo, "Chieftaincy Black Friday" is coming, and sources say Bobrisky is currently on 450 points. (Laughs like Babasuwe)
Edgar doesn't lie.
Source: Internal palace memo titled "Chieftaincy Tier Pricing 2.0. Revised for Influencer Economy" leaked by a chief who was downgraded from "Otun" to "Just Otun" after his points expired.
