Tobi's Wedding (The Finale)

Listener's note: Warning! This show is loaded with gist so powerful it might just push you into a relationship and straight down the aisle. If you're not ready to hear wedding bells and say yes, say yes, say yes, say yes, listen at your own risk. Edgar doesn't lie. Check Edgar out.

This is a story about something that happened almost 5 years ago, and as far as I may know, I may be the only person involved who remembers everything that happened. This is because, as an Edo boy, most times we forgive, but we hardly forget. Sadly, I haven't forgiven or forgotten. This story is still fresh in my head, and my anger feels like it's coming from today's injury.

This is an important story. A very important story. It's the final chapter of the story I started last week. Tobi's wedding. If you haven't listened to it, then I am begging that you do that first before you listen to this. It covers important parts of the story that helps you understand who Tobi is, how we both met, and why we decided to try relationship for 4 months. At the end of that episode, her best friend Nora, after failing to seduce me, took me outside her church to show me things. She showed me the ushers' women's group chat where I found out that Tobi never really liked me. I was only her rebound and her real lover was also an usher in the church. His name is Chibuzor. The episode ended with one plan and a lot of unfinished business. Today I will solve them. I am going to tell you everything and when I mean everything I mean everything that happened after that Sunday I found out Tobi was only in the relationship for my money.

This is Why Am I Still Single podcast, and you are listening to the final part of Tobi's wedding. Edgar Doesn't Lie. Check Edgar out. Check, check, check. This is a Check Edgar production. A Check Edgar production. This is for the single guys and the single ladies. Edgar doesn't lie. Why, why, why, why, why am I, why am I, why am I still single? Still single, still single, still single. Why am I still— I want a wife and a family. This kind of life is not right for me. I told my guys how things can be when I fall in Love, I fall for real. I know you want me, don't waste my time. I want a girl that is set and fine. I'm going crazy, so please be mine. God, please, why, why, why?

Checkmates, welcome back to Why Am I Still Single?, the second best audio podcast in Africa. I am your host, Check Edgar, and for those of you who were here last week, Welcome, welcome back. I know you have been waiting. I have received emails and messages from Checkmates asking me to release the full story. The engagement with the last episode was huge. Thank you, thank you guys so much. Now, to those of you calling me spare tire just because she saved my number as spare tire, the thunder, the thunder that will strike and punish all of you is rehearsing at Eko Hotel and Suites. Today I am going to tell you everything, and by everything I mean I will tell you what happened moments after I left Nora at the back of the church. I'll tell you if I found out if the things Nora said about Tobi were true. Also, I'll tell you everything about Tobi's wedding. Yes, she got married a few years after and did something I will never forgive or forget.

Now, There are different levels of headaches. The headache I had that Sunday on my way back home after Nora told me Tobi was only dating me because of my money gave me more pain than a migraine. I went home in silence that day. No music. No phone calls. Just me, Lagos traffic, and my thoughts. And my thoughts were not kind. That evening, I couldn't eat. I just went under the shower, thinking about my life and asking myself so many questions.

Questions like, why did I go to Lanselot's church? Why didn't I just return her pen and move on? Did all this start because I said my name was Edgar and Edgar meant rich? How many Sundays did I visit her church full of genuine feelings while she was chopping my money and counting down the days she will return to Chibuzor? Why did I tell her my credit card PIN? How many boutiques? How many perfumes? How many takeaway packs for friends I had never met and would never meet? Of all the questions I had in my head, I think the most disturbing was, why did I start this 4-month experiment?

Now checkmate. I am not a confrontational person. I do not like wahala. I do not like noise. I am— As I have said before, a calm person— calm and soft are not the same thing. And I need you guys to keep remembering that. But I am also a person who needs to hear things directly, not from a group chat, not from Nora, not from screenshots and voice notes. From the person themselves, looking me in the eye, in a space where there is nowhere to hide and nothing to perform. So I had to do something, yes. I needed to make a plan.

So this was it. I was going to invite Tobi to my house, cook for her, make her feel comfortable, then find a way to get her phone in my hand, just for a moment. Just long enough to see what name came up when I called her. I would like to know how she actually saved my number, whether it's Edgar, baby, or maybe she used spare tire. If it is Edgar, my baby, or some sweet emojis, then she is safe. But if I see a spare tire, wheelbarrow, or an emoji I do not understand, I will calmly, without drama, without noise, ask her about it and then show her everything I got from Laura. I will show her the messages and screenshots and then play the voice notes. After that, I'll just relax, watch her face and her reaction, and then listen to what she has to say. Whatever she said was going to determine my final action. That was the plan. I did not tell Fela, Noel, or even my mother. This one was mine. I was going to handle it myself, quietly, like the calm person I am.

Two weeks after the day I got the shock from from Nora. I called Tobi to plan the date at my house. At first, Tobi was not interested in coming to my place, but because of my plan, I had to do and say everything possible to convince her. Hey baby!

Hey boo, how far?

Nothing much, Jerry. Are you busy? Is it a good time to talk?

Yeah, sure. I have a meeting in 15 minutes, but I'm free for now. We can talk. What's up?

Okay, so I wanted to know your plan for the weekend.

Saturday or Sunday?

Saturday.

It depends what's happening.

I wanted us to spend some time at mine, you know, relax, eat, and have some romantic moments. You know, kiss, cuddle, you know. What do you think?

That's interesting, but I really do not know. I want to visit one of my aunts, babe. I really don't know if this Saturday works. Let's meet after church on Sunday as usual, babe.

Ah, that's okay, but I actually have a surprise for you, a special surprise. And I also want to cook for my baby. I can't wait to give it to you, alright? It's something you have been asking for. Now, if you can make it on Saturday, you can get it.

Also, I don't like the fact that we get to kiss at the back of the church. I mean, I believe that if we really want to have some fun, my house is a better place, okay? Now, besides, I live alone and no one would disturb us. Babe, please, please don't say no now, baby, please.

Okay, babe, I will tell my aunt that something came up and I won't be coming anymore.

That's my girl! Thank you, thank you so much, my love. By the way, what would you like to eat when you come, eh? You can talk to Chef E. Let me make it for you. Let me make something special, babe.

Get away, your surprise had better be something worth it. As for the food, you can make fried rice and turkey with salad. Fried

rice, don't worry, you will love it.

Better. Talk to you later, my darling. Bye-bye. That

was it, the exact confirmation I needed to know that she was coming to my place. If only she knew that the surprise was actually going to surprise her. I was just waiting patiently for her to come, knowing fully well that the fate of my relationship would be revealed. On Saturday.

So that Saturday morning, I ordered the fried rice, chicken, and salad from a nearby restaurant. Who has the time to cook when I'm preparing for what might turn out to be a battle? I poured the food into my pot to make it look like I made it myself. I scattered some seasoning cubes and a dirty spoon on the counter to complete the scene. I needed the food too. I wasn't going to argue on an empty stomach.

When Tobi arrived at my place, she looked Amazing. She always looked good every Sunday, but seeing her on a Saturday made her look different. She wore this short red gown and had this sweet makeup on her face. I wonder why she never dressed like this to church on Sunday. Maybe it's because she's an usher, but okay.

The moment she walked in, like every typical Nigerian girl, she scanned the whole house in seconds. She looked around my place and made comments about my furniture, the size of my TV, and the softness of my cushion. You know the way Nigerian women do when they are in a man's house for the first time and they are quietly taking inventory. Exactly.

I served her food, we ate, talked about church and her mother, and even played games. I wanted her to feel calm and free, so I made sure that she was comfortable. I played some love songs. She was the same Tobi, warm, easy, laughing at my dead jokes, stealing meat from my plate like she had always done. I was in awe, watching her eat my food and texting on her phone.

Now, on the outside, I was smiling like a fish underwater, but on the inside, I was confused like a fish outside water. I was worried and praying to God that Nora was lying. And that she made everything up. I was waiting, waiting patiently for the right moment to say something. I needed her phone but couldn't figure out a way to just get it.

Not long after, Tobi asked me if she could get some extra fried rice and salad. I told her there was more in the pot, but I was just too full, too full to stand up. She just laughed and made a joke about my small stomach, then asked me to direct her to the kitchen. Where the food was so she could take some herself. And I did. So the kitchen is just beside that door on the left. You can use any of the serving spoons you see there.

Okay, I'll be right back. By the way, where's my surprise? You said you had something for me.

Baby, it is coming now. Patience is a virtue, my love. Eh, oh yeah, do like this. Relax, relax.

God, I swear, if you're playing with me—

Relax, you will get your surprise today, I promise. As she walked to the kitchen, I looked at the table and realized that she had forgotten to take her phone with her. Immediately, I knew that was my chance to figure out the first and most important part of the plan. So quietly, I took out my phone and dialed my number. Just to see what pops up. At first, it didn't ring. I was getting nervous.

Tobi will be out of the kitchen in seconds. This is the only way. I dialed my number again. This time it rang out. I immediately put the call on silent and finally saw it. It was at this moment that I knew that Nora wasn't lying. Tobi actually saved my number as spare tire with two laughing emojis. Guys, it's not funny.

Just before I could drop her phone back to its original position, Tobi walked in and caught me holding her phone. My heart relocated to my stomach immediately.

And what are you doing with my phone?

Oh so I wanted to check your phone camera to see the quality of the pictures.

And how can you see my photos if you don't have my password?

I don't need your password to you use your camera app, you know.

Mm, I see.

Yeah.

Okay.

We were quiet for some minutes. I was trying to hold it. I was trying to hold it. I didn't know when it came out. Babe, babe, what did you save my number as on your phone?

What do you mean?

Like, what name did you use to save my number?

Can I even remember? I think it was Edgar my boo or something. What happened?

Edgar Maibu?

Here, you can check my phone yourself. It is Edgar Maibu.

Checkmate. Tobi handed her phone to me. The thing was doing me like film. In that moment, I was confused. I was like, ah, guys, I just checked her phone a few minutes ago and saw that she saved it as spare tire. So why would she tell me to check it as if it is going to change when I do? Or is she trying to gaslight me? I didn't want to argue, so I took her phone and checked. I saw it again, this time clearly. Spare tire with two laughing emojis. Tobi, you saved my number as spare tire.

What? Let me see. Oh baby, yes I did. I totally forgot I changed it.

I am confused. Why would you do that? And what does spare tire even mean?

Actually So some of my friends at church have been looking for ways to steal your number from my phone. So I decided to change it to something they would never guess. And baby, it also means you are my support, my backup, and my lifesaver. You know, it's really not safe to drive without a spare tire.

Tobi, why are you dating me? Are you in this relationship because you like me or for something else?

Ah, what's going on? You sound like something is bothering you.

Yes, there is. In fact, a lot is bothering me. A lot, Tobi. Let me show you something. I brought out my phone and showed her everything. I showed her screenshots from the ushers group. I showed her the different insults, like the time she said I had bow legs and no chest. Screenshots of her friends laughing. And then I played the voice note where she told her friends she was going to suck my wallet dry, and the one where she said God forbid that she never liked me. I showed her everything and as she read and listened to the voice note, I watched her face the whole time and what I saw was not guilt. It was not shame. It was not even surprise. What I saw was calculation. The face of someone deciding very quickly what story to tell and how to tell it. I knew she was a liar but I never knew she could cook up stories faster than ChatGPT.

Edgar, this is not what it looks like. I didn't say any of these things. I'm sure someone used my phone to type them. Even the voice note isn't mine. That isn't me. Who must have done this?

You saved my name as Bia Taya Tobi.

I was going to change it.

And Chibuzor? What about him? Babe, we talked about this. You never told me you were dating Chibuzor.

Edgar, He's my ex. People have exes. You have exes too. I've never asked you about your exes.

You wrote his name in capital letters when your friends asked you who you preferred.

Tobi. Baby.

Were you ever going to tell me about him? About any of this? Ah, God, you are such a pretender.

Please, please, please, please don't shout at me. What is it, Seff? You're not my father, I beg.

You said we should date for 4 months and then we review. I never promised you forever. Can you even imagine? So that is why you invited me to question me, right?

See, let me just tell you, I'm not one of those girls you can talk to anyhow you like. How much do you even have that is making you raise your voice at me, broke idiot?

What did you just say?

You heard me. What will you do? Beat me? Try it. Try and see if I don't show you your own blood. You think I'm scared of you?

Checkmate. In that moment, something happened inside me. Not an explosion, not A breakdown. Something colder than both of those things. Like a switch that has been flickering for 4 months finally went off completely.

Off.

Done. Finished. I did not raise my voice. I am a calm person. Calm and soft are not the same thing. I just kept looking at her in shock.

You have nothing to say? I thought as much. That is is your problem. You can just sit there and take everything. No backbone, no chest, nothing. That is why I could never take you seriously. You think I did not notice? Every time something happens, I will expect you to react and do something, but instead you'll be nodding your head like an agama lizard.

The last time I complained about my friend, all you said was, let it go. I can't be with someone weako. If I push you now, your bone will just break. Tobi would never sit here and take this from anybody. Chibuzor is a real man. He has presence. If Chibuzor walks into a room, people will know someone has walked in. Everybody will feel it. If you walk into a room with your bow legs, people will be looking for the person behind you.

All you have is chicken change and a baritone. Na di boys, I want job. Tobi, let me talk, I beg. What nonsense! You think I would beg you?

Checkmate. I want you to understand something. I sat at that table and I listened to this This woman who was an usher in church, the woman I used to spend my time with every Sunday after church, someone who just finished my rice and chicken and even collected more.

I watched her tell me that all I had was chicken change and a baritone. In my own house. At my own table. I did not move. I did not flinch. Because I am a calm person. But somewhere inside me, something was writing every everything down. My brain was taking notes.

And you want to talk about money? Edgar, please, you spent money on me, yes, but let me tell you something. I was doing you a favor by allowing you to spend it. Do you know what it costs to be seen with someone like me? Do you know the kind of men who are on my case every single day? Men with real money, men with real futures, men who do not need to cook food and pretend they made it themselves just to impress somebody.

Oh, you think I wouldn't know? You are so Dumb! You forgot to throw the pack of food in your binu. How do I love someone that can't even do the basics?

Checkmate! See, better mess up. How did she see it? I thought I threw it away. Guys, she found the pack. The pack from the restaurant. I want you to know that in that moment, I was not embarrassed about the food. I was embarrassed that she found the evidence before I could remove it. That was the only regret I had about that Saturday. Not the relationship, not the 4 months. That one, that one pay me. You

have nothing, Edgar. You have a small comfortable life and you have convinced yourself that it is enough. It is not enough. It was never enough.

I stayed for 4 months because I'm a good person, because I felt sorry for you, because I looked at you and I saw someone who was trying very hard and getting very little, and I thought, let me just give him something to hold on to. To for a few months. That is what I did for you.

I gave you 4 months of my life out of the goodness of my heart, and this is how you repay me? By going through my phone? By calling me to your house with lies about a surprise? What surprise, Edgar? You do not have anything to surprise me with.

The surprise was the truth, Tobi. I hope you enjoyed it.

You are mad! You are a disgrace and a liar. After, he will carry his big head and say Edgar doesn't lie. Liar!

Checkmate. She used my own catchphrase against me in my own house. Can you imagine? I need you to hear what she just said. It is not paining me, o. Okay, it is paining me, but that is not the point.

The point is that this is the same woman who cried at my table and said my baby is the best. The same woman whose mother prayed for me on the phone. The same woman who asked me to ask her out properly and make it official.

That woman, imagine the same woman is standing in my house telling me I am average with my food in her stomach. I want you to remember that detail, my food in her stomach.

And since we are being honest today, let me tell you what everyone around us already knows but nobody has been kind enough to say to your face. You are average in every way that matters. You are average. Average ambition, average future, average everything. Even your kissing is average.

The woman who will settle for you will be settling, and they will know it, and you will know it. And you will spend the rest of your life wondering why the woman beside you always looks like she is waiting for someone better to come along. Because that is what you attract, Edgar. Women who are waiting for something better.

I was waiting for Chibuzor. I can never settle for an average boy like you.

She said it just like that, calmly, like she had been saving it, like she had rehearsed it for the exact right moment. And decided this, my house, my table, my food in her stomach, was the right moment to deliver it. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to hear something that would make me wish the ground would swallow me. My ears were full. I stood up. I walked to her bag and picked it up. I walked to her shoe where she had left them by the door. I picked them up too. I walked back to where she was ranting and everything. I dropped her bag, her shoe, and her phone. Neatly in front of her. Tobi, I need you to leave my house now, please.

Excuse me?

Your things are right there. I'll order you a ride.

Are you serious right now? Are you throwing me out of your house?

I am not throwing you out. I am asking you to leave. There is a difference. I don't want to shout. Please pick up your things and leave.

You know what your problem is, Edgar? You think being calm makes you deep. It does not. It just makes you boring. Check Edgar, Chibuzor is 10 times the man you will ever be.

Leave my house. Don't let me push you.

Push me? Can you push me? If I choose not to go, there's nothing you can do, Edgar. God will punish you. You're asking me to leave your house like I'm a thief. Ah, Tobi, you've suffered. I want you to remember this day, Edgar, that you invited me for a date, we sat at your dining, and then you insulted me and sent me out of your house because I told you the truth.

Leave my house. Don't let me push you. The experiment is done. Tobi, leave my house.

You are mad, Edgar. Since you love experiments so much, let's do one last one. A bet. Let us see the first person between us that will find real love and get married. Let us see if anyone will marry you with this stinky attitude. And I promise you, Edgar, it will not be you. It will never ever be you, fool.

And just like that, a battle line was drawn. She made that bet on her way out of my house. You might think, "Oh, she said it out of anger. She didn't mean it." You'll be wrong. I did not just hear anger in that bet. I heard a curse. A kind that is spoken over you by someone who genuinely believes it. Checkmate.

I sat at that table for a long time after she left. The door was closed. The room was quiet. Lagos was doing what Lagos does. Moving. Noising. Existing completely without my permission. I looked at the two empty plates on the table, the pot I did not cook, and the bean she had looked into. And I made a decision. I was not going to chase her. I was not going to call her. I was not going to explain myself or defend myself or send a long message at 2 AM. I was going to do something much more powerful than any of those things. I was going to win.

I took that bet seriously from the moment she left my house and my door closed. I did not go back to that church. I did not send a single message. What we had between us was no longer a relationship. It was not even a memory. It was a competition and I do not lose competitions.

Now, I did not hear from Tobi for years. No calls, no messages, no signs. She had disappeared completely into her life, and I disappeared completely into mine, searching for a wife. And then one afternoon, one strange afternoon, a number I did not recognize called my phone. I'll tell you about that call after the break. Be right back. Let me go and remove my food from the microwave. I know, I know, a lot just happened, eh? We will process it together after the break. I'll be right back.

Edgar doesn't lie. Promo!

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I don't usually pick up unknown numbers. I believe I have missed important calls because of this habit, but I also believe I have avoided a lot of stress. Because the moment you do, it is either someone is trying to sell you something, someone begging you for money, or someone is calling the wrong number, or it is someone from the past in your secondary school you do not want to have a conversation with.

But that day, that afternoon when the call came in, It felt different. Something told me to pick it. I didn't want to pick, but I did. I picked up.

Dear, hello?

Edgar! Oh my God, it's so good to hear your voice. How are you? How have you been? It has been so long.

Now, Checkmate, I want you to understand how I was feeling when I picked up that call. First of all, I didn't know who it was. I received Too many calls these days, different people, different numbers. I'm a busy man, so I genuinely could not place the voice.

You needed to see the shock on my face when I realized it was Tobi. Like, I had not spoken to this girl in years, and then she called me with the energy of someone who had just reconnected with a long-lost friend she saw at the airport. Warm, excited, she was so happy.

In my mind, I was wondering if she was not the same girl who had insulted me years ago in my house, or had she forgotten so soon? Like, the last time we spoke, she had collected her shoes from my hand and walked out of my house after calling me average, broke, and a disgrace. Guys, I was confused.

I'm fine. Who is this, please? I don't have this number saved on my phone.

It's Tobi. Edgar, did you give you my number?

I— yes, how are you?

I'm so well, so, so well. Actually, Edgar, I want to start by saying something important. I've been thinking about you and me and all that happened many years ago. To be honest, I genuinely think we can do better and shouldn't die as enemies. So I want you to know I have thought deeply about everything and I've chosen to forgive you.

Wow, she forgave me! Checkmate! Is this girl mad? She called me on the phone with an unknown number after everything that happened in my house that Saturday. After all the insults and the bets that I am taking to my grave, only for her to say she forgave me. Madam, have you forgotten or did you wipe your memory?

See how she is talking like I am the one who needs forgiveness. Like I was the one who had done something wrong. Like I was saying stupid things in the church group chat about her or saved her number as spare tyre and lied about the meaning to her face. Like I said she had bow legs and laughed like an imbecile. Like she didn't spend my money and buy food for her friends.

Wait a minute, did she drink or is she now on drugs? Because no human being in their right senses would say any of these things with their normal mind. There is definitely something wrong with her. I was silent now. I didn't say any of this or say anything for a while.

Edgar, hello, are you there?

Yeah, yeah, I'm here. Thank you, thank you, Tobi. Thank you for forgiving me.

Of course, life is too short for grudges. I have moved on completely and I'm in such a good place right now. Which actually brings me to why I'm calling. I have two interesting things to tell you.

Okay.

First, are you seeing anyone? Are you dating or married?

No, I am not. I am still single.

What's up? Oh, do not worry, the right person is coming, okay? God has someone very special for you. Just be patient.

Checkmate. Did you hear that? This girl is a devil. She asked me if I was married in the same tone you use to ask someone if they have eaten after they have been released from prison. You know very well I am not married. You just want me to say it so I can feel sad about my situation. Like she did not make a bet with me about exactly this topic. Does she think I am a fool?

I heard it in her voice, that small satisfaction underneath the kindness, that tiny barely concealed whispered, "I told you so." She didn't say it, but I swear I heard it. Now, I don't know why I asked her the same question. It was like she had set a trap for me, and I fell deep into it. This one pained me. Thank you very much, Tobi. And you, are you single?

Single? No, no, no, no, no, Edgar, I'm not. Actually, that's my second reason for calling you. Edgar, I'm getting married!

Oh, oh, congratulations! That's cool, nice. And who is the lucky guy?

Chibuzor now, the same Chibuzor from church, my everything. You remember Chibuzor, right? He was actually the guy you had issues with when we were together, the usher from church. We worked things out, and honestly, Edgar, I have never been happier. Chibuzor is everything. You need to see him now. I doubt he will remember you, sha. There's nothing like marrying the man of your dreams, I swear.

Chibuzor? Chibuzor? The usher from church? The wall gecko? The man who was not wearing a suit but a suit was wearing him? The man with the amoeba face who used to look at me every Sunday with pity in his eyes?

They had worked things out. She had never been happier. It was at that moment I understood why she actually called. Her call was to remind me I was single and she was getting married. She didn't call to settle the beef. She called to roast it, season it, and add extra pepper and serve it back to me hot. It was her way of saying, "Let the war begin."

Tobi, that is wonderful. I am so happy for you both. Congratulations. Chibuzor is a very, very lucky man.

Thank you so much, which actually brings me to my third reason for calling you.

Oh, okay. I should have dropped the call at this point. I should have said, Tobi, congratulations, God bless your marriage, bye, and have a great day. But instead I said, go ahead, because something in me needed to hear how far this woman was willing to go. And she went far. She went very far.

Edgar, Since we've settled our issues, I believe it will be best if you are the MC at my wedding party. Please don't say no.

This will mean a lot to me. Please, you have your way with people. You have such a great voice, and it will mean so much to both of us to have you there in that role. We wanted someone in our circle to do it, and I'm happy you're an MC with your little fan base. Please say yes.

Little fan base? She said little. Checkmates, you are not little, you are everything. But this is a conversation for another day. Please. Checkmates, now I can confirm to you that this girl smoked something strong, something loud, something spiritual, something that removed her common sense completely. If she didn't smoke, then she ate a bowl of liver. Because tell me why this girl will cook such evil and serve me like I'm her village people. She wants me to MC her wedding?

Tobi Chibuzor, the man she left me for, the man whose name was in capital letter in the group chat, the man who was more romantic, more handsome, more security-conscious, more everything according to the ushers' women group chat that I was never supposed to see. I imagined myself standing with the microphone, in that hall, with 300 people watching, and then I announced the moment. Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our celebrants. I would have to say his name out loud into a microphone. Please welcome to the dance floor Mr. and Mrs. Chibuzor, or whatever his name is. I could not finish the sentence even in my imagination. That was the moment I knew I could not MC that wedding. Wow. Let me think about it and get back to you. Is that fine?

Of course, no pressure. I will send you the details anyway.

Bye. She sent the invite anyway. I had not even said yes. She sent the full invite, venue, time, dress code, and program of events. Like my thinking about it was just a formality. Like she already knew what I was going to decide.

I was mad, but I didn't know how to express it. I could not even form the words to explain what had just happened. How do you call your friends and say, you remember that girl I told I told you about, the one with the group chat that saved my number as spare tyre, eh, that she is dating that guy that looks like a war gecko. Would you believe that she called me to MC her wedding to that war gecko? How did you say that out loud without wanting the ground to swallow you?

Guys, I couldn't. Not because I was heartbroken, I was not heartbroken, but because some things are simply too much to ask of a person, even a calm one. It was at that moment that I decided I was not going to MC the wedding but I was going to attend it. Because here is the thing about losing a battle, checkmate, it does not mean you have lost the war.

And I had a score to settle, not loudly, not with drama, not in a way that anyone could trace back to me. I was going to deal with them quietly, professionally, and calmly. She might have won the battle and the bet, but I was going to make sure the victory did not deal as sweet as she planned.

The wedding invite she sent was clear on dress code: a touch of white. Guess what? I wore full black, head to toe. The color of a man who has arrived with a purpose and zero apologies. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted her to easily spot me and know that I was watching her.

My intention was simple: I came to eat be seen, and make sure that the wedding was not as perfect as she had planned, in that order. I had 4 days before the wedding and I used every single one of them to plan her downfall. Now I arrived at the wedding like a man who had absolutely nothing to lose. Black shirt, black suit, black glasses.

I stepped out of that Uber like a boss and I want you to understand, I looked good. I looked so good that the security at the entrance looked at me twice, not because they were suspicious or anything, but because I was sharp. I adjusted my collar, straightened my jacket, and walked in like I was the groom, like I had just been called up to collect an award for being too smooth. Boss level. Now checkmate.

I want to prepare you for what I saw when I walked into that hall. Immediately after I entered the hall, I saw Tobi. And she saw me too. Tobi looked very happy. Not the regular type of happy. Not small happiness. The kind of happiness that fills a room. She was glowing in her dress, laughing with her bridal train, moving around the hall like she was Miss World or something. I was so upset.

And then I saw Chibuzor, the war geco himself. He was standing beside her in his suit, following her everywhere like a housefly. Like bro, take it easy, nobody will She's still your wife, guy. Relax. Take it easy. Now I won't lie, he looked good in his suit for the first time. He wore a suit that fitted and suited him. He still did not have presence or swag like me, in my opinion, but he was cleaned up. I'll give him that one. Just that one. So I found a seat not too close, not too far.

Strategic.

A position where I could see everything. The moment I sat down, People around me started looking. Not staring. Nigerians are too polished for that. But that specific kind of side-eye where somebody is looking at you without turning their head. I could feel it from 3 different directions at the same time. The dress code was a touch of white. And then there was me. Full black, head to toe, sitting in the middle of all of it like a full stop in the middle of a sentence. I didn't care. I was feeling like John week.

I adjusted my collar, greeted the people around me, and waited for the food. Then of course, the jollof rice arrived. Checkmate! Checkmate! The jollof rice was excellent. I want to be honest about that. Smoky at the bottom, the pepper was right. I took my first bite, and for approximately 45 seconds, I forgot why I was there.

And then, they put my protein on the plate. Fish? They gave me fish. Something fishy is going on. Not meat, not chicken, not turkey. Fish? A piece of fish that was looking at me from the plate like it also did not understand how it ended up at this wedding. Wait, did Tobi ask them to give me fish? Why is everybody struggling with meat and I'm eating fish? I looked at the waiter. Excuse me, is there no meat?

Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir. The meat is finished.

The meat just finished?

Yes, sir. Would you prefer the head or the tail of the fish?

Oga, beg shift. Can't you see there's already fish on my plate? Nonsense. Checkmate. The meat had finished before it got to my table. No problem. I ate the jollof rice and fish. I watched the couple closely.

The program moved. There were speeches and prayers and the cutting of the cake and all the things that you have seen in a Nigerian wedding that has happened a hundred thousand times but somehow still sit through every single time. And then it was time for the first dance. The MC called them to the dance floor. Tobi and Chibuzor walked out together and the hall erupted. 300 people on their feet, clapping and cheering, with phones in the air recording the moment. I did not stand up. I sat in my seat. I did not clap. I held my fork like, "No."

And then, right in the middle of the first dance, the MC asked them to share their first kiss as husband and wife. And Tobi turned. She looked slowly, like she knew exactly where I was sitting in that hall. Like she had memorized the seating arrangement. And she looked directly at me and smiled as she kissed him. Not a normal smile, not a happy bride smile. That specific smile, the one that says, "I won, you lost. Did you see it? Did you feel it? Good, I wanted you to." That kind of smile. Ah, I felt it. Every part of it. The smile landed on me like a slap that nobody else in the room could hear.

And just like that, I remembered our first kiss. Guys, I felt defeated. Not destroyed, but defeated. I couldn't stay there anymore. The hall was air-conditioned, but I was feeling heat. I picked up my jacket. I straightened my collar one more time. I walked towards the exit with whatever dignity I had left, which was not a lot, if I

The moment I got to the door, I looked at Tobi and saw her laughing out loud. It was at that moment I knew I was not leaving empty-handed. I had to do something. I went to the car park and found their wedding car. It was not hard to find. It was the one with the "Just Married" sticker on the back. I was disgusted. I looked around to make sure no one was looking. And when I was sure I was the only one there, I took my first action.

By the time I had finished action one, Chibuzor's wedding car had two flat tires. Not one, two. I do not do things halfway. As I crouched beside that second tire, I said a quiet prayer. Father, please let them not have a spare tire. I know it is a lot to ask, but you know You know what she did to me. You were there. You saw everything. Please, no spare tyre. After all, she saved my name as spare tyre. God, I tire.

Then I went to the back of the hall and found the generator. Now, every Nigerian wedding venue has a generator. It is not an option. It is a requirement. NEPA will always show up at the worst possible moment, and the only thing standing between a beautiful reception and complete darkness is that generator. I located it at the back of the hall, large, sitting there with full confidence, completely unaware of what was about to happen to it. Then I took my second action. I poured a significant amount of water into that generator. Not a little, o, a lot of water. That generator was not going to work again, so they had to rely on

The moment NEPA plays their part, of course NEPA will do something, the wedding is over. Everybody will go home. Now for my third action, I found the table where they had arranged the wedding favors, small boxes of cakes and chocolates that guests were supposed to take home as gifts from the couple. I rearranged about 30 of them so that it will cause confusion at the end of the night in a way nobody would be able to explain. When I was was done, I looked at all the chaos that was to happen and then I smiled. I ordered my cab and then I left.

Now for some weird reason, I still wasn't satisfied. I thought doing all that would make me feel better, like justice had been served. But sitting in the car park after everything, I just felt tired. Not at her, but at myself. For still caring enough to show up. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the wedding at all.

Now the driver tried to make conversation about football and politics, but I wasn't interested. I did not have the energy for that. I sat at the back of the car, and I just watched Lagos pass outside the window. And I thought about everything. The 4 months, the church I changed, the credit card, the PIN, the keys at the back of the church building— outside, not inside o. The group chats. The way she saved my number. Spare tyre. The wedding. The waiter that told me that meat had finished. And finally, the last laugh she had. That smile. That laugh of victory. She had the last laugh.

I got home. I sat on my couch for a very long time and then I went on my knees. I wanted to cry. But tears refused to come out. My heart was heavy, so I prayed. I prayed the prayer you heard at the beginning of the first episode. Father, please keep Tobi for me. I don't want anything to happen to her. Keep her alive. Keep her very, very alive, because I do not want Tobi to die. I want her to almost die. I want a trailer to crush her but not finish the job. I want to see her have eyes. I need her to be able to see me, to watch as I become everything she said I would never be. I want her to watch my wedding from a hospital bed, on a screen they put up in the ward, specifically so she can see it. I want her to cry, first from the pain of losing her body, then from watching how well my life turned out. Both pain, same body, same time. And then my first child, and my second, and my third, and then And then she's, she's existing on that hospital bed. No children, no peace, just existence.

Tobi, if you're listening, I hope you are praying. I genuinely hope you're on your knees telling God to block me, to slow me down, to make sure I never find a lover, talk less of a wife. Because when I find her, ah, this world The world will not contain the two of us at the same time. Me married and winning. You watching from that hospital bed with your trailer injuries and your borrowed eyes. That is not a threat. That is a promise.

I started this experiment because the whole world told me to. And I ended it alone in a car park, puncturing tires at a wedding. I am not sure what that says about me. Me. But I know what it says about love. It makes you do things. Not always good things, but things. Why am I still single? Because I decided to try a crazy experiment with the devil. And that's the end of this week's episode. I

hope you guys enjoyed it. If you did, don't forget to subscribe and share the podcast with those who are single, dating, or married. Rate the podcast and drop a comment. And yes, please visit my website to donate, www.checkedgar.com. My sound engineer is on my neck, I need to increase his pay. All

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