Tobi's Wedding (The Experiment)

Okay. Let me start by saying this. I don't like Tobi. I never really liked Tobi. Yes, I told her I did. Yes, I went as far as asking her to be my girlfriend. But it wasn't from my heart. I swear, I did not ask her out because I felt she was the one. There were no butterflies in my belly. No sparks in my eyes. Nothing like that. The only reason I asked Tobi out was because everyone around us could see it except us. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. Her friends. My friends. Our families. Even the completely useless Uber driver who took us to the cinema. He saw it too.

Na wa oh! Sorry to bother you, but are you two dating?

NO!

We are just friends, please!

Oga, face your front. Focus on your driving and stop asking me dumb questions, abeg.

Sorry, no vex, but you two look great together!

Mind your business.

So I asked her out. Because of the pressure. Because of the looks. Because of her friends. And for a while, it was fine. It was fine. But I don't have a problem with Tobi. That is not what this is. Tobi has different problems. Serious, serious problems. I liked Tobi until the day she showed me who she really was. A devil. Scratch that. Tobi is not a devil. No. She is the one that created the devil. She is the original. The source material. The Old Testament devil. And here is the thing. I will not sit down and allow anybody, anybody, to mock me and insult me, just because I am single, searching and trying my best to love someone. I did not kill anyone. It is single. I am single. That is all. Last time I checked, it is not a crime. So that evening, at her wedding, I was on the dance floor. I was smiling. I was dancing. Bursting moves. My body was there. CheckMates. My body was fully present. But deep down? Deep down, I was furious. I was looking at her across that hall, wondering, what kind of liver did this woman swallow to do something like this to me? Which pharmacist sold her that kind of boldness? Who gave her the prescription? And did they give her a refill? Then the MC asked them to have their first kiss as husband and wife. And that was when it happened. She turned. Slowly. Like she had rehearsed it. Like she knew exactly where I was sitting in that hall. And she looked directly at me and smiled as she kissed him. Not a normal smile. Not a happy-bride smile. That specific smile. You know the one. The smile that says I won. You lost. Did you see it? Did you feel it? Good. I wanted you to. I felt it. Every part of it. That smile landed on me like a slap that nobody else in the room could hear. I felt defeated. Not destroyed but defeated. Like a man who had lost the battle and was only now beginning to understand that the war had been going on long before he even knew he was fighting. So I did the only reasonable thing a man in my position could do. I picked up my wallet. I picked up my car keys. I stood up from that chair with whatever dignity I had left, which was not a lot, but it was mine. And I drove home. When I got home that night, I went on my knees. And I prayed. I said, "Father. Please keep Tobi for me. I don't want anything to happen to her. Keep her alive. Keep her very, very alive." I want her to go out one afternoon and forget to look before crossing the road. I want a trailer to crush her into pieces, but I don't want her dead. I still need her alive, God. I don't want the trailer to finish the job. I want her to have her eyes. I need her to be able to see. Because I want her to see me. I want her to watch with those same eyes as I become big. As I become rich. As I become the star that she never believed I could be. The Edgar she underestimated. The Edgar she thought would stay exactly where she left him. And I will support her. Yes. I will be at the hospital. I will contribute to her medical bills; I will pay the doctor whatever he needs. Not to completely heal her, but enough to keep her alive, not enough to send her home. Just alive. Just present. Just watching. I want her alive to witness my wedding. Of course, she will be bedridden; she won't be able to attend. But my wedding will be so big that even the hospitals will stream it live. They will put it on the screen in the ward. And she will watch it from her bed. With her eyes. That I specifically prayed to God for her to keep. I want her to cry. Cry like she is a child. First, from the pain. Then, from watching how well my life has turned out. Both pains, at the same time, in the same body. And then I will have my first child. And then my second. And then my third. And she, she will just exist. On that hospital bed. No children. No peace. Just existence. Tobi, if you are listening to this, I hope you are praying. I genuinely hope you are on your knees, telling God to punish me. To block me. To slow me down. To make sure I never find a wife or get married. For your sake, Tobi, I hope you are doing that every single day. Because if I find her, when I find her, this world will not be able to contain the two of us. You and I. In the same universe. At the same time. With me married and winning, and you watching from that hospital bed with your trailer injuries and your borrowed eyes. That is not a threat. That is a promise. Edgar doesn't lie!

CheckMates! Welcome back to Why Am I Still Single? I am your host, Check Edgar. And before we get into today's story, I need you to do something for me. I need you to get comfortable. Put down whatever you are holding and pay attention to this episode. If you are driving, please pull over, not because this is an emergency, but because I need your full attention, and let's be honest, if you're driving right now, chances are that you're late already. So why the rush? Today's story is about a woman called Tobi. Now. I have talked about a lot of women on this podcast. Different stories, different lessons, different levels of chaos. But Tobi is a category of her own. Let's start here. How did I meet Tobi? One Friday, many years ago, my friend Lancelot called me to invite me to his church for a programme. Now, for those of you who have been with us from the beginning, Lancelot is the same guy who invited me to the party where the celebrant accused me of stealing her phone after her phone went missing. If you remember that episode, remember that I mentioned that nothing good has ever come out of Lancelot. You are about to hear more evidence. So Lancelot called me and said his church was doing their anniversary and that members had been asked to invite their friends. I told him I was not interested. He begged. I held my ground. Because Lancelot is full of problems. I could smell it a mile away. Also, I do not like visiting other churches except mine. My philosophy of church is simple: you go in, you connect with God, you go home. Clean. Efficient. Spiritual. But the moment you walk into someone else's church for the first time, something in the atmosphere changes. They can sense it. I don't know how, but they can. They just know a sinner is in their midst. And immediately, every eye in that building is on you. Then, after the service, they will ask you to stay behind. Sometimes thirty minutes. Sometimes one hour. And if the person heading that department has a name that sounds like Bukola, Busayo, or Bimbo, just know that you have committed to a full Sunday. Better bring food and inform your family. Because you are not going home anytime soon. I wasn't even interested until Lancelot mentioned three interesting things. First, he said the church was putting on a stage play and that professional and international actors were coming to perform. The way Lancelot painted this picture ehn, you would have thought Dwayne Johnson and Funke Akindele had personally confirmed their attendance. Every lie that could be told, Lancelot told it. Fluently. Without shame and the fear of the Holy Spirit. After swallowing that lie, he said the church gives jollof rice, juice, and a takeaway pack to all first-time visitors. He said the pastor had announced a special gift for every first-timer that Sunday and that there was going to be a raffle draw exclusively for first-timers. That someone told him the raffle draw prize was a brand new car. I said okay. When Lancelot noticed I still wasn't interested, he played his final card. A card I always fall for. He said there was a girl he wanted to introduce me to. A beautiful damsel, his exact words, 'damsel', who had heard my voice on the phone during one of our calls and had been asking Lancelot ever since to bring me to church. That was how I agreed to go to his church. When I got to the church, there were so many people. So many. I looked around, and I could bet that most of them were first-timers like me. My only concern was my jollof rice, juice, and the babe Lancelot had for me. Immediately I entered, one fine-looking usher directed me to my seat. Now. If you had seen the ushers in this church, you would know that God dey create. Fine girls everywhere. Sweet sisters of faith. The dressing, on point. The makeup, on point. The hair, on point. Everything, on point. I hope you are getting the point. Those girls could make the devil repent, sit down, and ask for a baptism form. I looked around to see if there was a guy amongst them. I saw one. One male usher in the entire building. And just from looking at him, the way he was standing, the expression on his face, it was clear that this man had not chosen this assignment. Someone had chosen it for him. His suit alone was not suitable for the job. I will leave it there. Anyway. I sat down. The service started. We danced, we prayed, and then there was a sermon. The sermon was as short as the pastor. God forgive me. After the sermon, it was time for the almighty drama presentation. I was ready. I brought out my phone to record. I was prepared to watch celebrities take the stage exactly as Lancelot had promised. I sat up straight. I adjusted my collar. Small, small children walked out. And some unknown faces. I cannot even call what they did drama. I will not insult the word 'drama' like that. Their acting was poor, the microphone was worse, and the story did not connect from beginning to middle, let alone beginning to end. I think they were attempting to recreate the story of Daniel in the lion's den. Tell me why the lions they brought out looked confused. Daniel himself looked confused. At one point, the guy playing Daniel forgot that his name was Daniel and kept referring to himself as Joseph. I had to open my Bible. I needed to verify, was it Daniel or Joseph that entered the lion's den? Because this boy on stage had me genuinely questioning what I knew. After that drama, I knew, I knew, that Lancelot and I were going to have a very serious conversation. After the drama, they made some announcements, we paid our offering, and then it was time.

First-timers, please stand up and be identified.

Now, if you are a Christian, you will understand what I am about to say. Standing up as a first-timer in someone else's church is one of the hardest things a person can be asked to do. I can manage raising my hand, that one is manageable. But standing up? In front of everybody? With all those eyes? That is a different level of courage entirely. I was too shy. So I sat down. I observed. I watched the brave ones rise to their feet while I remained firmly in my seat, invisible, anonymous, at peace. I do not know how she knew. Nobody had pointed me out. I had given nothing away. And yet she walked directly to me like someone had sent her a memo.

Good morning. Why are you still sitting down?

Sorry?

I have not seen you here before. Is this your first time?

Yeah.

I knew it. Please stand up and join them. Here, fill this form. Fill it correctly. Don't write the wrong things and don't throw it away. I will come back and collect it myself. Don't give it to anyone else except me. I will be watching you from the back.

Oya. Stand up.

That was how I met Tobi. As I got up, I turned to watch her walk away. And I stood there for a moment just asking myself, "Where did this girl get that boldness from?" Maybe Lancelot sent her. I could not rule it out. Anyway. I stood up, filled out the form, the pastor prayed for us, and then asked us to wait after the service. So I waited outside under the canopy with the other first-timers. That was when Lancelot appeared. Lancelot had been part of the media team the whole time, working with the audio-visual guys at the back, which is why I hadn't seen him during the service. He walked over, looking very pleased with himself.

Brooo, how you see the service na?

It was alright. Chilled.

Nice nice. You don chop?

Not yet. We are waiting for one lady like that.

Who?

To be honest, I don't know. But she said she is coming back. How far with the other level now?

Which level?

The girl you said you had for me.

Ohhh. She did not come to church today oh. I heard she is sick. Don't worry, next week.

Who is coming here next week? Oga, shift abeg.

That reminds me, did you send an usher to me during the first-timers?

Usher? First-timer? I did not send anyone to you. Someone came to you?

Yeah. One fine girl like that.

Did you get her name?

It was at that moment that I knew my encounter with this girl was not finished. As they were introducing us to the church under the canopy, I kept my eyes moving. Scanning. Holding her form and her pen, waiting. I wanted to return them, yes. But I also wanted to know her name. And I wanted to know how she had identified me so precisely without anyone pointing me out. Then they started sharing food. Jollof rice. Juice. Takeaway pack. Lancelot had not lied about that one. I collected my pack, moved to a spot near the entrance, and waited. Then I saw them. All the ushers, coming out of a side door together. Coordinated. Elegant. Moving in formation like the cabin crew of a very serious airline. Everyone looked sharp and put together. Except the male usher, of course, that one looked like a man who had lost an argument with life and had not yet recovered. And then she saw me at the entrance and came towards me.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you would have left. I hope you didn't stay just because I asked you not to give the card to anyone?

No, not at all. I'm waiting for my friend.

Who is your friend?

Lancelot. He serves in the media,

I know him. Who doesn't know that stubborn boy? Always disturbing women in this church.

That's crazy. He is actually very calm and quiet at home.

Ehn en? Okay. What is your name?

Edgar.

Edgar. Hmmm. What does it mean?

It means rich and happy. Old English. Wealthy spear. Prosperous.

Are you?

Sorry, what?

Are you rich…and happy?

Emm... yes. I think so.

Okay. That's good.

Where is the card and my pen? I'll give the card to the unit head. Thank you for coming to church, Mr Edgar. Will you be coming back next Sunday?

Emm, I don't think so. I have my own church.

Oh. Okay. But thank you for today. I hope you enjoyed the service.

Yeah... sorry, I didn't get your name.

You never asked.

Tobi. My name is Tobi.

And I stood there. Watching her from a distance. Just standing there. There was something. I cannot explain exactly what it was. Her eyes. Her mannerisms. The way she spoke. Her smile. Something was there, I am telling you, something was there. Now, I was not falling in love. Let me be very clear about that. She was not even my spec. She is pretty, I will not lie, but she was not the kind of woman I would see across a room and immediately lose my mind over. She was just alright. But her packaging and the way she carried herself? Ten out of ten. No argument. I never got the chance to ask her how she knew I was a first-timer that Sunday. So I went back to her church the following Sunday. This time, I came with three goals. One, find out how she knew I was a first-timer. Two, get her number. Three, build a friendship. In that order. My plan was simple. After the service, I went to the exact same spot where she had found me the week before. I waited. And just like last time, the cabin crew came out of that door in formation. Coordinated. Sharp. Including the male usher, who still looked like a man carrying a burden he had not signed up for. This time, I saw her first.

Hi Tobi.

Hi... Edgar. I thought you,

I changed my mind. I wanted to come see you.

Me? I hope there is no problem.

No, not at all. I gave you the wrong pen last week. This is actually your pen.

You cannot be serious. You came back because of a pen?

Mm-hmm. I was going to call you to ask you to give it to Lancelot, but I don't have your number.

Oh.

And just before you say I never asked, I am doing that now.

Okay. I see what you are doing, brother. Give me your phone.

WhatsApp?

Yes. By the way, have you ever wondered how I knew you were a first-timer last week?

YES. I was going to ask you that.

It was your look. The way you kept looking around. I knew it was either you were a first-timer, or you were a thief. Now I see it clearly. You are both. Last week you were a first-timer. Today you are a thief.

I didn't steal your number.

Guilty conscience. I never said you did.

Can I take you out for lunch today?

Ehmm, sure. But you will have to wait until we finish our prayers and our meeting with the pastor. Is that okay?

Yes. I'll wait.

That was how we went to lunch. We talked. We laughed, and we ate. Tobi likes food. She bought a lot of it, but I really did not mind. I was happy to spend my money. After lunch, we had ice cream, and then from there I bought her this beautiful perfume. Yes, this all happened on our first date. I am a happy gifter. I love to show my love by buying gifts. I was happy, and she deserved it. So we continued chatting that evening on WhatsApp, and slowly, without either of us planning it, we started talking and texting every day. What is interesting is that when we started talking, there were genuinely no romantic feelings attached. She was not my spec, and I was not hers either. She liked men with broader shoulders and bigger chests. My shoulders and chest are more introverted. They do not like to come outside. I remember one Sunday during our date, she made me talk to her mother on the phone. The way her mother prayed for me, you would think I was her husband. I also added her to my family call one time, and my mum didn't stop talking about her.

Edgar Bobo. I like this girl oh! Is she the one?

Noo oh, she is just my friend!

Is it your enemy you want to marry?

I didn't take my mother too seriously. Until Tobi told me her parents had said the same thing. And then everyone else started seeing it too. Friends. Family. Strangers. Uber drivers. Now, I don't know if you can relate to this, but have you ever started catching feelings for someone only because people say you two are amazing together? You start developing feelings. Feelings you never had. I started asking myself some questions. Is she pretty? Yes. Is she spiritual? Yes. Is she educated and intelligent? Yes. Is she caring, loving, and a good listener? Yes. Is she warm and funny and genuinely happy to see me? Yes. Does my mother love her? Yes. Does she look like a good wife? Absolutely yes! So why worry? It wouldn't be the worst idea to give this thing a chance, you know? The pressure kept building. People at her church started calling me her boyfriend whenever I showed up. Especially the female ushers. It felt like the whole world was seeing something that we had both agreed not to see. And then one day after service, Tobi brought it up herself. It sounded like a joke. But I have learnt, and CheckMates, take note of this, that women sometimes use jokes to cover the shame of a possible rejection.

This one that everyone is telling us to date, are we going to try it or not? Because I am tired.

Oh okay! That's interesting. Am I someone you can date?

Emm. Small. I can manage your eyes, your ears and your lips. You don't have beards or a big chest, so it's tough. But I can manage.

You know what? You also don't have ass, I think we should try it. Let's try it for a few months. If it doesn't work, we cancel it.

This is crazy. Okay, let's date for four months and review after.

Four months is cool.

Okay. Ask me out properly and make it official.

Emm... now?

I will change my mind oh.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Why did you not add my name?

Okay. Tobi, will you be my girlfriend?

Awwnnn!

And that was how we started dating. She said yes. And our four-month experiment began. What I had for Tobi was not love. But I loved the fact that she was willing to try. That counted for something. We had an agreement, four months. If it works, we continue. If it doesn't, we go our separate ways. No drama. No wahala. Clean. Now, if you have ever dated someone you were not completely sure about, or if you have ever been in a situation where the whole world wanted something for you more than you wanted it for yourself, you will understand exactly where I was standing at that moment. But first, let's take a short break. I will tell you everything about how the relationship went and the very interesting reason why I am still single. I will be right back. Let me quickly use the restroom. I want to pee. Okay! Welcome back, CheckMates. If there is one thing I have learnt about love in this life, it is that love is sacrifice. And I made a lot of them in those four months. The first month was full of sacrifices. First, I had to sacrifice my church and then sacrifice my time. Seeing Tobi on a weekday was difficult. Our schedules did not align like that. Our best bet was Sunday. I would see her at church, and then after the service, we would go out together. So yes, I sacrificed my Sundays. All of them. Every single one. The moment Lancelot noticed I had changed church, he knew immediately. He did not even ask. He just looked at me and nodded. Because what Lancelot had been trying to do for years, drag me to a new church, one woman did in minutes. Without even trying. I started attending midweek services. Night vigils. I became more involved in church activities than Lancelot himself. The third sacrifice was my wallet. And my credit card. And my financial peace of mind. Every Sunday was an opportunity for Tobi to shop. If she was not buying new perfume after church, she was walking into a boutique for new clothes. And there was a way she would rub my head, just rub it gently, like she was petting something she owned, and my hand would just give her my card. I did not decide to give it. My hand made that decision independently. Tobi found my mumu button. And she did not just turn it on, she took it to the maximum setting and left it there. The food she would buy. For herself, for her Usher friends, for people I had never met and would never meet. And I was paying for all of it, completely blinded by the love that was quietly growing inside me without my permission. But the thing about Tobi was that she knew how to say thank you. Not a casual thank you. A whole production. She would cry sometimes. Actually cry. Then hug me and say...

My baby is the best!

I do not know what Tobi told the other ushers about me. But whenever they saw me walk through those doors, something changed in the atmosphere. They would carry my bible and notepad. Clean my chair. Ask if I was comfortable. And then disappear to go and call Tobi, whether I had asked them to or not. Tobi would later appear looking shy, moving slowly, and we would hold hands, and the whole section would erupt.

Awwwn!

Let me be honest, there were awkward moments too. The first time she called me 'baby', I did not know how to receive it. The first time I tried to hold her waist, both of us became suddenly very interested in looking at the floor. And then one day Tobi said

Eddy, I think we need to be more intimate. Lets do something. Lets kiss. Lets lock lips. That should break the ice between us. What do you think?

To be honest, i wasnt thinking. I was only wondering why an usher, a soldier of christ will be asking me to kiss her. I thought she was innocent but hearing this made me realise there are no innocent people in the world. Except me! Now, we had both kissed other people before that day. I want to be clear about that. But kissing Tobi was different. It felt awkward. It felt wrong and right at the same time. We were at the back of the church, outside, not inside. She came closer; I had one hand on her waist and the other on her cheeks. We first struggled for like 10 minutes. Laughing at how awkward we were and then… We kissed. And it was short but good. I was about leaving the back of the church. Tobi grabbed my hands, pulled me back and kissed me again. We kissed a few more times that same day. The moment we finished kissing, it was like scales fell from my eyes. Something unlocked between us. The awkwardness dissolved. We bonded easily after that. The second month, something shifted. The woman I had not genuinely liked was now entering my eyes without asking permission. I would sleep and see her in my dreams. I would get to church and not want to leave. Because of Tobi, I would sit through first service, second service, third service, and fourth service. I would remain in that building until the security guard started jingling his keys at the gate. At the end of each month, we would sit down and do a relationship review. First month, we were not sure if we wanted to continue, but we did. The second month, after the kiss and the number of dates we had gone on. Tobi was fully in love. She wanted to be held constantly. Wanted her back massaged. Wanted to be touched and kissed and present. When I asked her if she wanted to stop the experiment, she looked at me like I had said something offensive and said,

Stop what?. Please. In fact, let's do it for one year. I am loving it.

Loving it or loving me?

The two both of them.

Everything was making sense. Until Tobi told her usher friends that I was a great kisser. That was the beginning of the end. We were already in the fourth month when she told them. The Sunday after she shared that particular information with her girls, I noticed one of them looking at me differently. While the others would run to embrace me when I arrived, this one stayed at a distance. Watching. Always with this slow, deliberate smile that I could not quite place. When it became too obvious to ignore, I asked Tobi about her.

That's Nora. Nora is my best friend. What happened?

I told Tobi I wasn't comfortable with the way Nora looked at me. Tobi told me not to take her too seriously.

That's the way she looks at visitors. She is weird like that.

I said Okay. Nodded and then went on a date with Tobi. A few weeks later, I received a message from a strange number on WhatsApp. Hi Edgar, is this a good time to talk? I replied, 'Good morning, who is this?' She said her name was Nora. That she was a member of the church. She sent a picture of herself and asked if it was a good time to call. The moment I saw that picture, my brain clicked immediately. I told her I was free and that she could call. Then she called me on video. Who calls on video without informing the other party? Immediately got something to wear. Brushed my hair before switching on my camera.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi. Please don't be upset with me. I got your number from Tobi's phone. She doesn't know I took it. Please don't be angry and don't tell her.

Hmm. Okay. I hope there is no problem.

Edgar, emm not really. I am a straightforward person. I can sometimes be too direct. I know you like my friend, but I swear she is not the one for you. I like you, Edgar. I want you. I am ready to do anything to prove it. I want you to kiss me. I hear you are a passionate kisser. I want you to touch,

As she was speaking, I noticed that her shirt was not properly buttoned. And she was slowly, deliberately, undoing it one button at a time. Before she could finish her sentence, I ended the call. My brain had not fully interpreted what had just happened when she called again. This time, I didn't even pick. I declined. I immediately sent her a message, a warning. I told her never to try anything like that again. That if she did, I would not only report her to my babe Tobi, but I would also tell every single usher in that church. I told her I genuinely liked her friend Tobi and had no intention of ending things or looking elsewhere. Don't come and add sand sand to my garri. The crazy thing is that Nora and Tobi are best friends. How can you be trying to seduce your best friend's boyfriend? You no dey fear? Some women, sha! Immediately she got my message, Nora replied with laughing emojis. She said the whole thing was a test, a loyalty test, to see if I was a good and faithful boyfriend to her best friend. She now replied my message and said You passed; congratulations.' Like she was conducting JAMB or WAEC! In my mind, I laughed. It was obviously not a test. It was not a prank. She said that because she wanted to protect her ego, and I understood. So I let it slide. But I noticed that from that day, Nora changed. The warmth she used to show me and Tobi, the smiles, the embraces, the usher treatment, all of it became something colder. She was still there. Still present. But the energy was different. Then one Sunday after service, Nora pulled me aside. She said she needed to speak with me privately. She took me to the back of the church, the same back of the church where Tobi and I had our first kiss, and she started talking. The things she said that day, gave me a crack on my skull. She said Tobi was not the girl for me. That Tobi did not like me. That Tobi was only after my money. That Tobi agreed to date me to make her ex jealous. I did not believe Nora. In my mind, I was like, 'This girl has upgraded her skills. She is only saying this to destroy my relationship. She tried to seduce me before; it didn't work, and now she is trying a different strategy. What did Nora not say that day? Nora said a lot. Again, I didn't believe her. Until she opened the ushers' group chat on WhatsApp and placed her phone in my hand.

If you think I am lying, read it yourself.

CheckMates. At first it looked like I was reading Arabic because I did not understand what my eyes were seeing. Tobi had told her friends that I begged her for the relationship. That she was tired of us. She told them that the only reason she was in it was because I was a good kisser and I didn't know what to do with my money. This girl called me Stingy! Someone that had access to my credit card and my PIN. Someone that used my money to buy clothes, shoes, purfume and food every Sunday. Me, Stingy? Me! Can you imagine? The worst part was that the other girls in the chat were laughing, encouraging her to go ahead. One even asked her to send her 50,000 from my money. They were all mocking me with laughing emojis and crazy stickers. Tobi said I had bow legs and that I laughed like an imbecile. I even saw a screenshot where she saved my name as "Spare Tyre" till today I don't understand what "spare tyre" means. Did she mean I was a mechanic or her cab driver? Spare tyre, I became weak. I became tired. By the way, this wasn't a private group chat. It was the ushers' women's group. So they all knew about it. Each one of them. Yes! All of them that said 'Awwn'. They knew Tobi was playing me and they played along. Is this what ushers are meant to be discussing on a church group chat? I was confused. Spare tyre, that one enter me. The crazy part was when someone asked who she preferred. Me or Chibuzor. She wrote Chibuzor in capital letters. Like I was a pest. A bug. She said she was definitely going to leave me at some point and go back to Chibuzor. That she just wanted something else for the time being till she and Chibuzor fix their issues. Something else? She referred to me as something else. When someone asked if she likes me at all. She could have just said no. She said, 'God forbid!' God forbid! That i have no level or class. That I always wait for her at the entrance like a shallow dog. That Chibuzor is a better man. That he is more handsome. More romantic and security-conscious. I read the last line three times. I wanted to know who Chibuzor was, so I asked Nora. Nora smiled and pointed at the male usher. CheckMates. I could not believe it. It was the same guy. The same guy I had been making a mockery of since the very first Sunday I got there. The guy I said had not chosen this assignment, but someone had chosen it for him, the same guy who was not wearing a suit, but a suit was wearing him. The same guy with the amoeba face who looked like he was carrying a burden he had not signed up for. Now checkmates, I have met guys. Finer guys. Richer guys. Better guys. Trust me, this Chibuzor guy no reach. He was not even on my level. Not even on the level below me. His presence didn't intimidate me at all. I was disappointed in Tobi. Of all guys, that wall gecko is your ex? Only God understands what women define as cute or handsome. How can that guy be finer than me. Me? Have you seen me? Ogudu Chris Brown. Guys, so her ex was here all along. Watching me come to church every Sunday. Watching me wait outside that door like a faithful, clueless fool. Watching me hug her and give her cards and flowers. Watching me take her in my Uber after service. Now I get it. I now understand the look he always gives me. It was not depression. It was not frustration with his usher duties or useless suit. It was pity. He was looking at me with pity. Like he knew something no one was telling me. I handed Nora back her phone. I did not say anything. I don't think I could have spoken even if I wanted to. I just walked away from the back of the church, and I kept walking. And as I walked, the questions started coming. The more I thought about the questions. The more foolish I felt. Why did I go to Lancelot's church? When didn't I return her pen and move on? Did all this start because I said my name means rich? How many Sundays had I sat in that building, full of genuine feeling, while she was counting my money and counting down to Chibuzor? Why did I tell her my credit card PIN? How many boutiques? How many perfumes? How many takeaway packs for friends? I had never met and would never meet. 'The days, she cried, saying, 'Thank you.' Was it a lie? Why did I kiss her? What do I tell my mother? God! Why did I start this four-month experiment? Checkmates, I had my doubts at the beginning, but for some reason, I decided to believe my heart. I had changed my church for this woman. I had sat through four services in a single Sunday for this woman. I had kissed her at the back of a church, ignoring the fact that God can use thunder to strike me at any time for denting his temple. My drive home that day was the saddest. It felt like a dream. I felt used. I felt stupid. So stupid, I couldn't even tell Fela and Nuel. Now here is the thing about me, CheckMates. When someone tells me something bad about a person I care about, I don't just accept it. Even with the group chat. Even with the voice notes and screenshots. Even after seeing Chibuzor. I needed to hear it from Tobi herself. I needed to confront Tobi. So I made a plan. A plan that was going to reveal everything to me. A plan I knew couldn't fail. Another Experiment. And that experiment, CheckMates, is exactly what we are going to talk about next week. Because what happened next, I am still recovering to this day. After everything you just heard, the lies in the group chat, the spare tyre she saved my name as, and the wall gecko she has as an ex, Tobi still found a way to do something worse. Something so bold, so audacious, that made me convinced this woman was sent specifically by the Devil. Next week, everything comes out. And that's the end of this week's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. 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