I Need Your Help

Hey, Hi…Welcome to another exciting episode of Why Am I Still Single? The… Well, this isn't actually another episode. If you're a checkmate or if you have been listening to other episodes, you already can tell that this isn't how we usually start the podcast. On a good day, the moment you press play, you would hear something like this…

Exactly. After that you would hear one crazy montage, a short weird story that sometimes connects with the actual story for that episode and sometimes it doesn't. Usually when the montage is done, you will now hear my theme music, a song I actually went to the studio to sing. Something like this… Why, why, why…you know what, let me play it for you.

Yes, that's it. After that, the real story begins with amazing background sound, additional voices, and some crazy sound effects. But as you can see, or rather hear, there is none of that today. It's just me sitting in my wardrobe talking to you about my problems. Hopefully you enjoy it. My sound editor is going through some heartbreak; his girlfriend told him to leave her alone. So right now, he is on leave. Well, I guess I am not the only single one in my team. This thing will go round.

Anyway, if this is the first episode you're listening to, then you're welcome. My name is Edgar; yes, that is my real name. And I have been single for God knows how long. To enjoy the full experience of what my episodes sound like, then please stop listening to this and listen to the previous episode or wait till Tuesday when I drop a new episode. Again, this is not an actual episode. Today I came to beg you guys. I need your help.

Okay, Dont be scared; I am not begging you for money, at least not yet. Am I broke? Yes, I am, but is there anything my God cannot do? Absolutely not. I am here to beg you for two things. And the second is the most important. As for the reason why I am in my wardrobe, well, that's a story for another day. Just know that there is something that looks like a lizard mixed with a rat and a wall gecko somewhere under my bed, and until I find it, I am okay in this wardrobe.

So yes, I need your help with two things.

First of all, a friend of mine, Dumebi, a beautiful young lady I used to like one time like that, invited me on a date. She will be attending the date with her boyfriend, and she told me to come with my girlfriend. Now I obviously do not have one, and sadly, a long time ago I told Dumebi I was in a serious relationship with one girl like that. Actually, I thought the lady and I would end up dating; we were this close, but something happened, and we went our separate ways. It was too early to tell Dumebi we had broken up, so I just left it. If I called her now to say I don't have a babe, she would not believe me. No one believes me when I say I am single. Everyone thinks this whole thing, my podcast, is a joke or just for content. Some people actually think I am hiding my babe somewhere, maybe in a wardrobe. Abi?

Anyways, Yee, Jesus Christ, my neck! What's this? Mosquito? In the afternoon? I never knew mosquitoes flew about in the daytime. Abi, are these my village people?

Back to my request. I need to go on that date with one of you. I am asking that one of you please be my girlfriend for just one day. And after that day, you can go back to your regular life. I know this is wrong and weird, but I cannot appear single; it would be a disaster. If you know you're single or confused, or you can beg your partner to allow you to date me for one day, then please send me an email or just visit my website www.checkedgar.com and then click on the WhatsApp button to reach me directly.

Don't worry about the cost of being my girlfriend; I will pay for your transportation to the venue and then back to your house. I will also pay for whatever you buy during the date. Everything is on me. Wait, also, I will be bringing flowers and chocolate for you, so please, if you don't like flowers and chocolate, you can either pretend to like them or do not bother applying. Also, if you live outside Lagos, please don't bother yourself. The cost of bringing you from Zamfara alone is more expensive than the date. For those of you in Lagos, if you live in Ajah or Sangotedo, don't bother. If you live in Shagamu, Okoko! Dont bother; in short, anywhere that will confuse Google Maps, please don't bother. Just stay at home and sleep.

The date will happen on the 22nd of August. So before you apply, make sure you have that day free. It is very important.

Okay, so it is also very important that I mention that for the hours we would be together, you will have to appear as the lady I was meant to be dating at the time. This is because I already told Dumebi her name. So please, if you're chosen, your name is Sarah, you're 24, and you love Davido. You're also light-skinned and love to sing. The reason why I am saying this thing now is that I don't want us to mess up. If Dumebi's boyfriend asks you for your name, do not mistakenly say your real name oh, say Sarah. If you're asked your favourite song, just pick any Davido song, and if they ask you to sing, please say you're shy. Even if I beg you to sing for them, dont sing oh, just say you're shy and cannot sing in public. Please, if your body is telling you to sing and you open your premolars to sing, God knows that I will pinch you. You love to sing but can't sing in public; that's your line. Dark-skinned girls, don't apply. Sarah is meant to be light-skinned. I know one of you will still send me an email and say, on the outside you might be dark but youre light inside. So that you will not swallow curses, dont apply. Even if you are bleaching, wait till your skin fully changes before you apply. If youre not sure of your complexion, please ask your neighbour. Please and please. You know Edgar doesn't lie; I can't start explaining that your complexion changed overnight. I will look and sound foolish.

Now, if they ask you how we met, just tell them that I picked you up when you were on your way to work inside a danfo; your danfo broke down, I took you to work, and the rest is history. If you can't say this, then just tell them you prefer me to say the question. Please don't say that I begged you on a podcast to act like my babe, oh. If not, I will pinch you before I send violent thunder to deal with you. If they ask you what you like about me, please don't say my voice; say my character. Tell them you like the way I think and behave. Tell them there is something unique about me that just gets you. Please, if there is any question you're not sure of, just tell them that your baby will answer it on your behalf. If they ask you how long we've been together, just laugh and say my baby will answer on my behalf. If you cast me and tell them about my podcast, my God will judge you.

When it's time for us to order food, please feel free to order whatever you want, but do it with the fear of God. Eat like you're a princess. Maybe jollof rice, chicken, and salad with a bottle of Juice. finish. Don't order swallow, please; no pounded yam, eba, or fufu. Even if you order pounded yam, please use cutlery. Don't tear it with your hand; some of you will cut eba like you're trying to discover gold. The way you will swallow it, everybody will just know you were once a cultist. Also, please only order what you know. If you go and order Italian camel hump or Brazilian ostrich eye and you die, you will explain to God how you got there. My best advice is that you eat before you come. Don't come looking hungry, I beg you. And don't use a toothpick like you're searching for mineral resources. I beg; I have bragged about Sarah's class. You have to live up to the standard. By the way, if you know your head cannot carry alcohol, do not try it. Some of you will take one shot of vodka, and the next minute you'll already be dancing without music. Please, if you can't drink alcohol, order Pepsi or malt. Or even zobo.

As for your dressing, come looking sexy, please. I want to pepper them. You know how all these relationship people use to do. I want to show them that they have no level. Wear your Christmas clothes; if you want to show front, please do. Just make sure you come looking hot. Dress the way you want to be addressed; if not, you will go back to your address.

Now I want us to have a safe word. A word we say when we need to check our phones or know that we are messing up. The safe word is ORANGES. The moment you hear me say "oranges," whether as a word, phrase, or sentence, just know you're doing something wrong, and the moment you mention oranges, then I know I am doing something wrong. So here are some examples of how to use the safe word.

Do you know that last night I had orange juice before sleeping? Oh, my favourite colour is orange. By the way, I prefer pineapples to oranges. The moment I say "Oranges," just know that I am talking to you, not them. Please don't forget. If you send me mail or a message on WhatsApp and I ask you for the safe word, please don't say "ehn" or "What do you mean?" or "I don't understand"; just say "Oranges." Thank you! This wardrobe is getting hot.

Now, anything they do, please, we have to double it and do it. If they hold hands, I will hug you. If they hug, we have to kiss. Yes! And if they kiss, we have to French kiss. If you don't know how to kiss, please go on YouTube and learn. If you bite my nose or block my throat with your tongue, it will not be funny. Learn how to give a simple kiss and also a French kiss. If you go and give me a Japanese kiss or a Benin Republic kiss, just be going home from there. And please make sure you don't have mouth odour. Lick something sweet before coming; don't eat pepper or onions the night before or the next morning. I know I said you should come hot; I was not talking about your breath. I was talking about your dressing. Some of you, your breath dey make dragon fear. Merlin.

Also make sure your phone is always on. From time to time, I will be sending you messages on what to do and how to behave. We must pepper these people. Another important thing is that while the date is happening, I am sure I will say something that will make you laugh. Please, if you cannot hold your laugh, then laugh like a nepo baby that you're meant to be; don't laugh with all your teeth. Some of you laugh like your village people are in trouble. I don't know if you're laughing with me, laughing at me, or laughing around me. Please keep your laugh simple and short. Some of you will laugh and open your whole mouth; I will be seeing your kidney and liver from your mouth. I will just leave you there.

If they ask us to take a group picture, please make sure you smile and pose like a goddess. I know Dumebi; she likes public displays of affection. So if she holds her man, hold me too. I want her to be very jealous. I want her to regret she told me no when I asked her out. By the way, just in case they want your Instagram handle after taking the picture, tell them you don't have an Instagram. If they want your Facebook, tell them you don't use Facebook. You don't have any social media account. If they want to connect with you, give them your Yahoo Mail address or your 2go username.

Now, after the date, just in case they mention they need to grab anything at the mall, and they ask us to follow them. Feel free to pick one or two things. Just know that whatever you pick, make sure you pay for it. It is lunch I am inviting you to. If you like, go and pick a new phone or pick a new laptop; you are on your own.

The other day I took a lady on a date; she said I should buy her freezer and stabiliser. The thing shock me. It is love, I say. I love, oh. I did not say I want to invest in your frozen food business.

Finally, please, I beg you in the name of God, don't come to the date with your friends or family. If you are scared or worried about meeting me for the first time, share your location with people at home; don't bring them to the date. I went on a date one time with one lady; this fine girl came with her younger brother, Augustine. If you saw the shape of the boy's forehead, it was hard to argue that two heads are better than one. His head alone was blocking people. Would you believe that this boy ordered four catfish? Four! I told him that his sister and I didn't want catfish. This boy looked at me and said, "No, oh, the four is for him." I was confused. I looked at his sister; she was just laughing like it was funny. I have never seen someone eat two, let alone four. Four catfish! Now the lady has been asking me on Instagram if I blocked her on WhatsApp, since she cannot see my profile picture. Why won't I block you? If at the age of 14, your brother is swallowing four catfish, what will he swallow at 25?

So please don't come with anyone. Don't even tell anyone you are coming on a date with me except your parents. I will send you the details of the date when I get your email or WhatsApp message. After listening to everything I have said. If you're still interested, please send me a message or an email. God bless you. And just so you know, if you don't behave well, I will share the story as an episode for other checkmates to hear.

When the day is over, I will book your ride and pay for it as promised. Again, please only apply if you agree to the terms of the date. Let us not go there and embarrass our families and generation. But before we do, let's go on a short break. I will be right back.

Now to the second reason why I need your help. This one is very important.

For a while now I have been working on TGIF 4, and honestly, I have been stuck. So if this is your first time hearing this podcast, TGIF is a special episode we do after every 10 episodes, where instead of me telling you my wahala and love stories, you get to be part of the show. You ask the questions, you shoot your shot, you share your own gist. It's the one episode that's actually about you.

We recently just crossed 40 episodes, which means TGIF 4 is due. As a matter of fact, it's long overdue. However, there is only one small problem, I used to build these episodes from your comments on Spotify. Sadly, Spotify removed the comment section. So getting comments has been difficult. However, I thought of an idea: instead of reading comments, what if you recorded your thoughts and sent them to me instead? So it would feel like a radio show. That would be awesome, right? So this is how to do that. Nothing complicated; I'll explain how in a second.

First, your homework. If you haven't listened to the last 10 episodes, please do. Here's the correct order: I LIKE MY NEIGHBOR, I told a story about how a lady called Ada became my tenant and started showing me some green light. MARY MAGDALENE, It's about a lady who turned our date into a full-blown deliverance service RED CUPS, I attended a party and got wrongly accused of stealing a phone I didnt steal. DOCTOR CHRIS, A simple phone call turned me into a fake doctor and therapist. THE BLACK SUPERMAN, A cinema date turned into a full Lagos blockbuster PRODIGAL SON, A lady I liked returned years after to say I am the father of her son CHRISTMAS CHICKEN, I shared the unbelievable story of how I became Lagos' most unlikely Christmas delivery man. VALENTINE BABY, It's about how a simple Valentine's date turned into a 30-minute wardrobe nightmare HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDGAR, I shared a birthday story that includes betrayal from a close friend DANGEROUS DREAM, A story about a dream that has been following me since April 2022.

Every other episode after that is TGIF 5 material; don't worry about those yet.

TGIF 4 has four segments. Listen well, because I'm only explaining how to send your recording once, at the end. The first segment is called the quiz. Ten questions from those last ten episodes. The first correct answer wins 50,000 Naira and some WAISS merchandise. You're to type that one, not record it, and send your name and answers straight to edgar@checkedgar.com. The second segment is called Checkmate's Confessions. This is where you get to share your own story with us. If you've either served breakfast or someone has served you breakfast, this is your segment. Either way, I want the story. Record it and send it. The third segment is called Shoot Your Shot. If you've been holding feelings for me, you like me, want me, and pray to date me, this is your chance. Introduce yourself, then go straight to your message. If I love it, I will respond and plan a date. Who knows what happens from there? Please record it. Segment Four is called Check the host. Ask me anything. Is the podcast real? Am I actually single? How did I start? Send me your account number, wait, no, that one's for me to ask you. Anything at all; there are no bad questions. Record it and send it. Now here's the one instruction that covers parts two, three, and four: record yourself, say your name and which part you're answering, then go straight into it, no long intro. Upload it to the Google Drive link or the SpeakPipe link; both are in the show notes. The deadline is Monday, the 10th of August. TGIF 4 will go live on the 14th of August, 2026. That's TGIF 4. Send it in, and let's actually make this one together.