Happy Birthday Edgar

Mirable! Mirable! Where are these children for God's sake? Mirable!!!

Yes, Mummy!

Your fine Uncle is here! Uncle Edgar is around! Are you not going to come and say hello? Come and sing the happy birthday song for him!

Aunty, please! Maybe she's shy. She doesn't have to sing if she doesn't want to.

Mirable, shy? Mirable is not shy! When Mirable starts to talk, you're the one that will beg her to stop. Mirable is very far from shy. It is because you don't know her very well.

Wow. Interesting!

Mirable! Leave whatever you're doing and come here now! If I count to ten, one!

I'm coming, Mom!

TWO!!!

Is she busy with something or, oh, here she comes.

What were you doing?

I was arranging my room.

See Uncle Edgar. Today is his birthday. I want you to sing the happy birthday song for him. Do you remember it?

Yes, Mummy.

Cool!

That's my girl! Okay, one, two, go! Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Uncle Edgar, happy birthday to you.

Aw! That was so sweet! Thank you, Mirable. You're such a darling. High five, that's my girl.

Uncle Edgar.

Yes?

Can I ask you a question?

Of course. You can ask your uncle anything.

Why are you still single at your age?

Mirable!!!

It's okay. Don't worry, I'll answer. It's fine.

I told you her mouth was sharp.

Mirable, I'm still single because I haven't found the woman I want to marry.

Why?

Because I haven't found the woman I love.

Why?

Because it takes two to fall in love.

Why?

Because love is complex.

Why?

Because love contains so many things.

Why?

Why? That is how God made love. Honestly, I don't know why.

Why?

Mirable! If I hear one more 'why' from that mouth of yours, I will wire you one hot slap from here. Can you imagine this girl?

No, please, these are important questions. Let her ask. She is only a child. Mirable, do you have any other questions for Uncle Edgar?

Yes, Uncle. One last question. But I'm shy.

Don't be shy, my dear. Do not allow fear in. Okay? Go ahead, ask Uncle Edgar anything.

Emmm... Uncle, what is your body count?

MIRABLE????

We interrupt this programme to bring you a special message. The next voice you will hear is that of the late, magnificent Suzy Puzy, the Nigerian musician who was shot and murdered just seconds after she was caught singing a song banned in her community.

Edgar, Edgar, Edgar, Edgar, when will you marry? Edgar, Edgar, Edgar, Edgar, when will you marry?

Please don't kill me! Pleeeease!!!

Shut up, Suzy Puzy!!!

And that is the story of the magnificent Suzy Puzy, the Nigerian musician shot and murdered just seconds after she was caught singing a song banned in her community. We now return to your regular programme. Back to Why Am I Still Single, the podcast!

Ladies and gentlemen, CheckMates! Welcome back to another episode of Why Am I Still Single? But today... Today is special. Very special. Today is my birthday. March 26th. Another year older. Another year wiser. Another year... still single. If this is your first time here, welcome to the party! I'm Check Edgar, and the Why Am I Still Single podcast is my journey through the wilderness of Nigerian dating. Every week, before I travelled to the U.K., every week before I started my poultry farm. I share my disasters, my heartbreaks, my embarrassments, and occasionally... my small victories. But mostly disasters. And it's quite interesting that I always say the podcast ends the day I get married, yet fans, checkmates and listeners worldwide pray that the day never comes. They wish me well, but not when it comes to dating and getting married. This is funny but true. Would you believe that I have received more than 60 emails from people ever since I started the podcast, begging me not to get married? It's crazy. There is a part of me thinking that this thing could just be a curse. Who knows? Maybe one woman in Edo State has tied my picture with one red cloth and a silver padlock so that if I don't marry her daughter, I will not marry anyone till I die. If you like me, and you know your mother is a witch, please reach out to me. God forbid, sha! It is not our portion! Before I dive into today's story, I need to say something important. To every single one of you listening right now, my CheckMates, thank you. Seriously. Thank you. When I started this podcast, I didn't know if anyone would care about my stories. I didn't know if my pain would make people laugh or just make them pity me. But you guys... you've been incredible. You listen every week. You share the episodes. You send me messages telling me your own stories. Some of you donate on my website. You laugh with me, not at me. Well... maybe a little bit at me. But that's okay. Because at the end of the day, we're all in this together. We're all trying to figure out love in Lagos, Nigeria. We're all asking the same question: Why am I still single? Actually, if you are single too, the title should change. Not, WHY AM I STILL SINGLE? But why are we single? Because honestly? We are in this mess together. And I find comfort in that. Small comfort. But comfort. Okay! So at the time of this recording, I was in London. I travelled to the U.K. for a stage production again. I did the same thing last year, if you remember. I will talk about that on my blog, Check Edgar Lately. You can check Check Edgar Lately on my website, checkedgar.com. While I was in London, I started thinking of the perfect way to celebrate my birthday with you guys. The first idea I had was to organise a small party in the UK for my fans and family. But nobody knows me in the Uk and pounds are not cheap. One bottle of Hennessy, and my account will not see anything. Apart from MANDEM and WHAT YOU SAYING, FAM, how many phonetics and London accents can I even speak? Besides, we are going to be having a party in August to celebrate the podcast's second-year anniversary, so why rush? But still I wanted to do something! So I thought to myself, what can I give you guys as the perfect gift on my birthday? Should I share money? Most of you are rich, so that will not do anything! I know there is someone right now looking at their screen, confused because they are so poor, their bank account balance sounds like they are testing microphone. 1,2 ...is this thing on? Yes? Okay. Your account balance heard you. It just doesn't have anything to say back. But honestly, most of my fans are doing well for themselves. So I thought of doing something better. I opened my box of secrets, dipped my hands in and brought out a story. A very weird story. Not the regular story, but one that you will never forget. A birthday story. A hilarious, embarrassing, perfectly on-brand story about how one of my birthdays turned into one of the worst dates of my life. Today's episode is titled: Happy Birthday Edgar. Now, let me start by saying that I am not a big fan of celebrating birthdays. As a matter of fact, most times on my birthdays, I wake up upset. Not angry at anything in particular, but just angry. So you can imagine that there are so many bad experiences to share about my birthday. However, today feels a bit different. Maybe it is because I am not in Nigeria. I mean, the weather here is amazing. There is constant light to charge my phone. The people here are sweet and quiet. Everybody just minds their business. My neighbour doesn't beat her husband or have a disturbing generator that sounds like an upcoming rapper. I look through my window; I can barely see anyone. Okay, I can see an elderly man walking his dog peacefully. On my street in Lagos, it is dogs that walk men! The owner will be struggling, dragging and pulling, and the owner will still open his mouth to say the dog doesn't bite. 'Don't worry, you can touch it. This dog that looks like it sniffed cocaine, you're telling me it doesn't bite? Okay, no problem. I love to live life here in the U.K. The apartment I am in is really amazing. Everything I need is here. Washing machine, a microwave, a dishwasher and a pressing iron, and they also offer free breakfast between 7 am and 11 am. How else should my birthday start? For the first time in a long time, I am excited to be celebrating my birthday. I have received so many calls already this morning and replied to so many messages. My mom called to sing for me. I almost cried this morning when I heard her voice. Her voice is so bad. It's terrible. It's very, very, bad! I said I almost cried. That woman should never sing again. My dad prayed for me, and I had a group video call with the rest of my family. It was so sweet. I miss them. Especially my younger brother. Of course, colleagues from the office at TVC also called and sent me messages. My friends reached out. And my compound people did not disappoint; they did something crazy. You will not believe that they changed the profile picture of our compound WhatsApp group to my picture. It felt very cute and sweet. Although my landlord changed it back to his picture and warned us not to change it again, if we do, he will increase our house rent. Yes, you heard me right. That man uses rent to threaten us every time. For those of you wondering why there is a WhatsApp group for my house, well, my landlord said it is easier to send everyone messages on the group than individually. Which is true, but his actual reason for creating the WhatsApp group is to threaten us with daily broadcast messages and videos about paying rent. Ever since he learned how to send videos on WhatsApp, this man has not allowed us to rest. The other day, he sent a video titled "Fastest way to pay your rent". We said okay. Another day, he sent another video titled "From house to under bridge, A possible reality if you don't pay your rent on time." We acknowledged his message. Just yesterday, he sent another video titled "How to make your landlord smile by paying your rent". God knows that the day I get my own house, I will give this bulldozer a piece of my mind before banging the gate in his face. I'd better remove my landlord from my WhatsApp status before he sees me in London and increases my rent because he thinks I have made it. The other day, I bought a new car and posted it on my WhatsApp status. Instead of congratulating me, this man just wrote 'hmmmm' and then sent me the whole of Psalm 82 before increasing my rent. Psalm 82. The whole thing. I know what some of you are wondering, but Edgar, the other day, you said your father was the landlord. Well its a long story; I will explain another day. Anyways, before I get upset. Let's talk about my birthday. After having my bath and eating some amazing English breakfast, I am talking British back-bacon, British sausages, black pudding, eggs, baked beans, toast, mushrooms, and tomatoes, I felt refreshed. I mean, who wouldn't? I sat on my bed and played back all my birthdays in my mind, and after some minutes, I came to realise something. My birthday has never been lucky for me. Not once. Every single year, something goes wrong. Either nobody remembers. Or the person I'm dating at the time forgets. Or I'm completely alone. Or worse... I'm with people who make me wish I were alone. I remember my 18th birthday. I was so excited. I thought, "This is it. I'm an adult now. My life is about to change." You know what happened? Power went out in my area for the entire day. No cake. No party. Just me, sitting in darkness, eating bread and beans! Wondering why NEPA hated me specifically. My mum gave me a diary, and my dad gave me body spray and toothpaste as my birthday gift. My 21st birthday? I was dating someone at the time. She promised me a surprise. I was so excited. I thought, "Finally, a girlfriend who cares!" The surprise? She broke up with me. On my birthday. Via text. She said, "I can't do this anymore. Happy birthday though." I was so upset. Happy birthday though. HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOUGH. Can you imagine? My mum gave me a jotter and two pens. My dad gave me body spray, toothbrush and toothpaste as my birthday gift. My 23rd birthday, I was completely alone. No girlfriend. No date. Just me and a plate of jollof rice I bought for myself. I sat in my room and thanked God for my life. Just as I was about to balance properly and eat, my leg mistakenly kicked the bowl of rice on the floor, and my cold juice poured too. I was going to cry because I used my last card to buy the food that day. And as usual, my mum sent me a jotter, two pens and one keyholder. While my dad gave me body spray, toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash. Only God knows the message my father was trying to pass across that he couldn't tell me to my face. So you see, CheckMates, birthdays and I? We don't have a good relationship. It was recently that I started receiving gifts from fans and friends. And most of them that give me, expect me, to give them back on their birthdays. So at the end of the day, i dont see it as a gift, it feels like an investment to me. But two years ago... two years ago was special. Because I thought my friends had my back. I thought Fela and Nuel, my day-one guys, my brothers, were finally going to give me the birthday I deserved. They did give me a birthday I'll never forget. Just not in the way I expected. Why am I still single? Because on my birthday, instead of meeting the girl of my dreams, I met my worst nightmare... delivered by my own friends. Stay with me, CheckMates. This is "why am I still single". My name is Check Edgar, and Edgar doesn't lie!

Alright, let's go straight into it. It started about a month before my birthday. I was just minding my business, scrolling through Instagram, when I got a call from Fela.

Guy! Edgar! How far?

I dey. Wetin dey happen?

Guy! Your birthday dey come na! Wetin be the plan?

Broo! Same old, same old! Stay inside and watch movies. Nothing much. Do you have something for me?

My Guy!!!! This year I have something mad for you. See ehn, me and Nuel, we don plan something for your birthday this year.

Now, CheckMates, Rule Number One. When your Nigerian friends tell you they've "got something mad for you". It is either the thing they have will run you mad, or you will see madness. Just know there is madness somewhere around the corner. But for some weird reason, I was excited. I thought, "Finally! My guys are going to do something nice for me!" No one has even planned anything for my birthday. So I was interested; I wanted to know what it was.

Oh, really? What did you guys plan?

We no go tell you now. Na surprise. But trust us, you go like am.

Rule number two: never trust someone who uses "trust me" in their sentence, like Fela. Trust me, it is a big lie! Rule number three. If Fela says, "You go like am," best believe you no go like am. You are so going to hate it.

Okay oh. I trust Una.

But guy, we get one small something we wan give you sharp sharp. Like pre-birthday gift.

What is it?

We get one number for you. Fine babe. Very fine. She don dey ask of you sef. But bro, you go pay me oh! 50k before I give you. This girl like you die!

CheckMates, Rule Number Four. If Fela says he has a girl for you, tell him you do not want. Accepting a lady from Fela is like accepting salt from the devil. You think it is for food. The devil is adding it to your injury.

For real? Who's the babe? Is she fine?

Like Mad! Her name na Temi. We go send you her number. Just call her. Talk to am. You go like her. Trust us. My account number dey your phone. Credit me; make I credit you.

And just like that, they sent me the number. Rule Number Five. Don't be like Edgar, dont be desperate. Don't pay to have a girlfriend. I called her number immediately. It rang twice, but she did not pick up. I sent a text on WhatsApp. Sent a voice note with my deepest baritone. I said … Hi, my name is Edgar. Edgar Eriakha. I got your number from a friend, Fela. He told me to reach out to you to see if you wanted to talk. I just tried calling your number; let me know when I should call you. Talk to you later. After waiting for 15 minutes, I called her again. This time, she picked up the call.

Hello?

Hi, good evening. Is this Temi?

Yes! Oh my God, Edgar! Finally! I was wondering when you'd call!

CheckMates... her voice. Soft. Sweet like butter mint. The kind of voice that makes you forget your own name. I was proud of my boys. Fela and Nuel were definitely going to get one bottle of beer from me for this good job.

Sorry for calling late. I just got your number from my friends. I sent you a voice note on WhatsApp. Did you get it?

No! I haven't been online all day. Sorry about that. I'm just happy you called. I've been following you on Instagram for a while. Your voice is amazing! I am sure you have heard that a thousand times.

My voice? Youre the first person saying that.

Thats a lie! Not possible!

I do not lie. Edgar doesn't lie!

Hmmm, cute! We will see about that.

She likes my voice! She follows me! This was going too well!

Thank you so much. So... tell me about yourself.

And CheckMates, we talked. For two hours. TWO FULL HOURS. She told me about her job. Her family. Her dreams. She laughed at my jokes. She asked me questions. She listened. She was... perfect. We talked every day after that. Morning texts. Evening calls. Voice notes. The whole package. She would send me good morning messages. I would send her funny videos. She would send me voice notes about her day. I would tell her about mine as well. I was falling. Hard. Fast. Stupidly. One week before my birthday, she sent me a message:

"I can't wait to finally meet you on your birthday! I have a feeling it's going to be special."

Special. She said special. Rule number Six. If it sounds too good to be true, then best believe it is too good to be true.

What gift do you want for your birthday? Product or Service?

Okay! Surprise me!

Okay. I know what you would like!

CheckMates, I was planning everything in my head. How I would dress. What cologne to wear? How to make my house look nice. I was ready. My birthday was going to be a mad thing yeah! The days went by. We kept talking. The chemistry was real. At least... I thought it was. Finally, the day came. March 26th. My birthday. That year. I woke up early. Too early. I couldn't sleep. I was too excited. I cleaned my house. And I mean CLEANED. Every corner. Every surface. I wanted everything to be perfect. Temi is coming! I cooked. Yes, I cooked. Jollof rice. Fried plantain. Chicken. I wanted to impress her. And impress me; I mean, it is my birthday. I bought fuel, just in case NEPA decides to show their true colours. I even bought candles. Romantic candles. And I set them up around the living room like some kind of music video. I took a long shower. Scrubbed everything. Used my best soap. Came out smelling like a whole perfume shop. I wore my best shirt. My cleanest jeans. My sharpest shoes. I checked myself in the mirror about fifty times. "Edgar, you look good. You smell good. Today is your day. Today is the day everything changes." I called Temi around 3 PM.

Hi Temi! How far? Are you ready?

Yes! I'm so excited! Fela and Nuel are coming to pick me up. They said they'll bring me to your place around 5.

Perfect! I can't wait to see you.

Me too! See you soon, birthday boy!

I sat in my living room. Waiting. Watching the clock. 4:30 PM. Still waiting. 4:45 PM. Getting nervous. 5:00 PM. They're late. But it's fine. Lagos traffic. 5:15 PM. My phone rang.

Guy! We don reach your gate oh! Come open gate!

This was it. The moment I'd been waiting for. I walked to the gate. Took a deep breath. Fixed my shirt one last time. Put on my best smile. Went outside. I opened the gate. And there they were. Fela. Nuel. Smiling like they just won a lottery. And beside them... CheckMates. I saw her. She looked different. That was not Temi. The woman standing in front of me was... how do I say this nicely? I can't. There's no nice way to say it. This lady was fat. She was very fat. Not thick. Not plus-size. FAT. The kind of fat that makes you wonder how she fits through doors. Like, she looked so fat; she doesn't need the internet because she is already worldwide. Like, this lady was so fat; I am sure her weight is her phone number. The sad part is that she is not just fat. Guys, she was ugly; even her shadow was ugly. I'm sorry. I know beauty is subjective. But this one? Even subjectivity gave up. At one point, I thought it was makeup. And she was smiling at me like I was a plate of jollof rice. I was disgusted!

Edgar! Happy birthday! This na your gift! Temi meet Edgar. Edgar Temi!

EDGAR! Oh my God! Finally! I can't believe I'm meeting you in person! Youre my Spec!

She rushed toward me. Before I could react, she hugged me. A full, aggressive, suffocating hug. CheckMates, I couldn't breathe. Literally. This woman was crushing my ribs. When she finally released me, I looked at Fela and Nuel. They were trying not to laugh. I could see it in their eyes. They knew exactly what they had done.

Guys... where is Temi?

This na Temi oh! Which kind question be that?

This doesn't sound like the Temi I was talking to. She looks like Temi from Temu! She looks like a swollen Temi. Look at her tummy showing from her shirt. Like, she doesn't even have a belly button. What's going on, guys?

Guy, relax. Just enjoy your birthday gift. She is a sweet girl.

I looked at TEMI. She was still smiling. Excited. Completely unaware that I was dying inside.

Ehm... welcome. Come inside.

We walked into my house. My clean house. My romantic candles. My jollof rice. Everything I prepared for Temi... was now for HER.

Oh my God! Edgar! You did all this for me?! This is so romantic!

No. No, I did not do anything for you. I did it for TEMI. Not your TEMI but the original TEMI. But what could I say?

Yeah... happy you like it.

Fela and Nuel sat down on my couch. Making themselves comfortable. Like they were here to watch a show. Which, to be fair, they were. TEMI sat down beside me. Very close. Too close. I could feel her body heat. I could smell her perfume. Too much perfume. The kind that attacks your nostrils.

So Edgar, I've been following you for so long! I love your voice! Can you say something in your deep voice for me?

Ehm... like what?

Anything! Just talk!

I cleared my throat. "Happy... birthday... to me?" She SCREAMED. Actual screaming.

OH MY GOD! YOUR VOICE! I'M GOING TO FAINT! I'M GOING TO DIE! ITS REAL!

Fela and Nuel were dying. Shaking. Trying not to burst into full laughter.

Edgar, you're so funny! Let me tell you a joke!

Oh God. Rule number seven: if a lady starts a joke by saying, "Let me tell you a joke," just know that the joke will be extremely boring and dry.

Okay, okay, listen! Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side! HAHAHAHAHA!

CheckMates. Nobody laughed. Not me. Not Fela. Not Nuel. Just her. Laughing at her own joke. Slapping her thighs. Screaming with laughter. I kept looking at Fela and Nuel. I was trying to get the joke, but the joke was running far from me. We all didn't understand it.

You guys didn't get it? Okay, okay, I have another one! You should get this one.

I wasn't ready for another one, so I had to interrupt her.

Actually, are you hungry? Let me serve food.

And that was how I made THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. I served the jollof rice. The plantain. The chicken. I gave everyone a plate. Temi looked at her plate. Then looked at me.

Edgar... is this all?

Sorry?

This rice... It's small oh. Can I get more?

I served her more.

I want more.

I served her more.

More!

I had to give her the serving spoon to serve herself. You needed to see the speed at which she ate it. Like she was trying to break a Guinness World Record.

Edgar, this plantain is nice oh! Has the plantain finished?

I gave her more plantain. She ate it. Then asked for more chicken. CheckMates, this woman was eating like she had just got released from prison. Like she hadn't seen food in forty days. I looked at Fela and Nuel. They were just watching. Amused. Entertained. By the time TEMI was done, she had eaten: Three plates of jollof rice All the plantain All the chicken and, finally, my own plate MY OWN PLATE. She ate my food. She took my meat. My personal meat. On my birthday. She still had the mind and guts to tell me that…

Do you know why I didn't eat a lot? It is because I am watching my weight.

Wait! What weight are you watching? I doubt she sees her own toes, let alone her belly button. I just smiled and nodded my head in support.

Ahhhh! Edgar, you can cook oh! This food is too sweet! You're going to make a good husband! And I will be a good wife!

Husband. She said husband. Well, you cannot be my wife. Marrying you is equal to marrying three other women, and I can't do that. We moved to the living room. I was hoping maybe, just maybe, this nightmare would end soon. It didn't. TEMI started talking. And talking. And talking. She talked about her ex. Her family. Her church. Her pastor. Her neighbour's cat. EVERYTHING. I wasn't even listening anymore. I was just nodding. Smiling. Dying. Then she said it. The thing that broke me.

Edgar, you know... I've been praying for a husband. And when Fela and Nuel showed me your picture, I told God, "This is the one."

Sorry?

Yes oh! I even told my pastor about you. He said he wants to meet you. He wants to counsel us before we start the marriage process.

Marriage. Process. CheckMates, that was it. That was the moment I broke. But before I could even react to this absolute MADNESS, she said something else. Something worse.

Edgar... you know... I'm a virgin oh. But... on our wedding night... I will do ANYTHING you want.

Fela spit out his drink. Nuel's eyes went WIDE. I... I just sat there. Frozen. My brain completely shut down. CheckMates, I need you to understand the level of embarrassment I was experiencing at that moment. This woman. This STRANGER. Just announced, out loud, in my living room, in front of my friends, on my BIRTHDAY... that she was planning our wedding night activities. And she was smiling. Like she just said something romantic. But the real story? The real disaster? The real reason this is the worst birthday of my life? I still had to sit there. For another hour. Because it's my birthday. And she's my "gift"; she opened her bag and gave me a pack of three-in-one singlets and a pair of white boxers. The painful part was that the singlet wasn't my size. It was extra large. The boxer was so big that I, Fela and Nuel can wear it and it will still have space for a fourth person. But before I tell you how I survived the rest of that evening, and how I finally got rid of the fake Temi, and what I said to Fela and Nuel after all of this... Let's take a short break. Don't go anywhere. Listen to the promo. I'll be right back. And trust me... the second half is even worse.

And we're back! Checkmates, at one point, my only prayer was for her to shut up, but she just kept going. One hour passed. Temi was still talking. At some point, she got up to use the bathroom. The moment she left, I EXPLODED.

GUYS! WHAT IS THIS?!

Guy, calm down! She like you oh!

THIS IS NOT TEMI! You people catfished me!

We no catfish you oh! Her parents are super rich!

You're mad! This is not funny. The voice isn't the same. The real Temi is sexy. This lady is not sexy at all. She is just plenty.

Guy, you know, looks can be deceiving. Abeg, enjoy your birthday gift. The babe likes you. She even wants to marry you! Isn't that what you always wanted?

I DON'T WANT TO MARRY HER!

But she don tell pastor oh! Are you going to disgrace her?

Like I wish I got her for myself.

That is her…

We immediately went silent. Temi came back. Sat down. Smiled at me.

Edgar, emm so sorry I mistakenly broke the toilet handle!

Rule Number 8, Dont let visitors use your personal toilet.

You know what? Let me sing for you! It's your birthday!

Oh God. No. Please no.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR EDGAR! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU!

CheckMates, I have heard many versions of the birthday song in my life. This was the worst. Like my mom sang this song better than her. And my mom is a terrible singer too. This lady was screaming. Not singing. SCREAMING. Like someone being attacked. When she finished, she clapped for herself.

You like my voice? I sing in church oh!

Which church? The church of the deaf? Why will a church put its members in such pain? Or is she the only member of the church? Finally. FINALLY. Around 8 PM, Fela stood up.

TEMI, we don dey go oh. Make we drop you.

Thank God. Thank Jesus. Thank the holy spirit.

Oh! So soon? Okay oh!

She stood up. Looked at me. Smiled.

Edgar, thank you for today. This was the best birthday celebration I've ever been to.

This was obviously my worst!

Can I give you a goodbye hug?

Before I could answer, she grabbed me. Another suffocating hug. This time longer. Tighter. I thought I was going to pass out. When she finally let go, she whispered in my ear.

I can't wait for our next date!

Our... next... date? God forbid! She left. Fela and Nuel walked her out. I just stood there. In my living room. Surrounded by empty plates. Melted candles. And the smell of too much perfume. All those Aboki Perfume. My birthday. Ruined. After some time, Fela and Nuel came back inside. Laughing. Full, uncontrollable laughter.

GUY! YOUR FACE! YOUR FACE WHEN SHE TALKED ABOUT WEDDING NIGHT!

BRO! I ALMOST DIED! I COULDN'T BREATHE!

They were rolling on my floor. Actually rolling. Tears were streaming down their faces. I didn't say anything. I just looked at them. When they finally calmed down, Fela looked at me.

Guy, no vex oh. We just wan make you laugh for your birthday.

So you people catfished me. Brought a random girl to my house. Let her eat all my food. Let her embarrass me. Let her talk about my wedding night. You even collected 50k all because you wanted to laugh?

Yes oh! And e work! You suppose see your face! Fela, we for record this thing.

Are you guys mad? Am I laughing? Where is the real Temi?

Oh! Temi? Na, Nuel's neighbour's sister, oh. She dey Abuja. We use her picture. But na the real Temi we bring for you.

You people... are sick.

She is not that bad bro!

Relax oh! We go handle am. We go tell her say you no dey interested.

YOU WILL HANDLE IT! Today! Call her right now and tell her!

They went outside, called HER and only God knows what they said to her. Fela came in and told me she was crying and that she really liked me. I just hissed and shook my head.

Guy, you go call her? …

NEVER. I'm blocking her number. You people will handle it.

Ahh! Edgar! You too wicked oh!

I'M WICKED?! YOU PEOPLE BROUGHT HER TO MY HOUSE!

We argued. Shouted. Laughed. Shouted again. Eventually, they left. Still laughing. Still amused. I stood in my living room. Alone. On my birthday. I looked around. At the candles. The food. The effort. All of it... for nothing. I cleaned up. Threw away the plates. Blew out the candles. Lay down on my couch. And I laughed. Not because it was funny. But because... what else could I do? Another birthday. Another disaster. Another story for the podcast. CheckMates, I'm telling you this story today because it's my birthday again. And once again, I'm single. But you know what? I'm okay with it. Because every birthday, every disaster, every embarrassing moment... It's all part of the journey. One day, I'll find someone. Maybe. Hopefully. Probably not. But maybe. And when I do, we'll laugh about all of this. About Temi. About my 50k, about my toilet handle. About my friends who thought it was funny to ruin my birthday. Until then, I have you guys. My CheckMates. The people who listen. Who laughs. Who understands. So thank you. For being here. For making this journey less lonely. Happy birthday to me. And to everyone else who's still single, still searching, still asking... why am I still single? We'll figure it out. Eventually. Edgar DOESN'T LIE!