Dark Chocolate Cake

Ah. Ahh. My head. My head hurts.

My head feels heavy. It feels like there's a full Yoruba wedding happening inside. Like an owambe. Somebody is even spraying money on my brain. I haven't felt this kind of pain in a long time. God! My head is banging seriously. Where did this headache come from?

AHH! The lights! The lights are too bright. How did I forget to put out my light last night? I usually sleep with the light off. God Na wa oh!

Wait! Where am I? Jesus Christ! This is not how my ceiling looks. This ceiling is not my ceiling. I know my ceiling. My ceiling has a small crack near the fan that I have been meaning to report to my landlord for eight months. Wait, these are not my curtains either; this is not even my room. Whose room is this, and where are my trousers and my jacket?

Wait, am I dreaming? Did someone forcefully sleep with me, or have I been kidnapped? Jesus! Ah, my back. Why does my body feel so weak? It feels like someone tied me down. My body is finding it so hard to move. God, what's going on? Wait… Whose leg is that? That's a human being's leg oh. That's actually a complete human being sleeping next to me on the same bed. Who is this and why is he naked? The guy sleeping next to me is fully naked. Oh my god, he is even using his hands to hold his… you know what, never mind. I think I would throw up.

Guy, how far na, You're disturbing. Reduce your voice, abeg.

Oh sorry, you can hear me?

No Oh! I can hear me!

Okay, wait, Checkmates; this is more serious than I thought. How many people are in this room with me? Because the guy that just spoke is different from the naked guy sleeping next to me. Two, three, four, we are six. Six men sleeping in one small room. It is finished. Why is everybody just sleeping like they're watching film in their dream? Look at this one sleeping with his mouth open. Is that not a dead housefly in his mouth? Eww! Wait, why is this one sleeping like he is swimming? And snoring like a spoilt generator? How can a person be sleeping with a gold wristwatch and still be holding a plate of jollof rice with their hand? Are you planning to eat it in the dream? And then there is the guy sleeping naked beside me. Wait! Did he just put his leg on my body? Guys, give me a minute.

Baba, remove your leg! Ahh! Guy! Guy!

Hmm!!! Sorry! Sorry!

Guy shift! See space there. Move your body to that side.

God! What is going on here? Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my mouth taste like regret and something chocolate? Chocolate. The dark chocolate cake! WAIT A MINUTE. The chocolate cake. I ate the chocolate cake. There must be something in that cake. That has to be it. That cake wasn't ordinary. Now I cannot fully remember exactly what happened last night, but there is a lot coming to me right now, and everything is coming back slowly. Okay! Okay! So I remember I was at a party, and we were playing this crazy game! I don't remember what the game was about, but I know there were lots of people playing the game with me, and they wanted me to do something stupid and dangerous with this lady. I didn't do it or did I? I cant remember if i did it but I remember I was given this cake to eat, and then I ate it and… that's all I remember… I don't know what happened after I ate the cake. But I am sure that whatever I did after eating that cake wasn't good.

Yehhh! Oga, remove your leg from my body! Are you okay? Shift that leg now!

CheckMates, you are about to find out exactly how much trouble I am in, because I now remember everything. Every single thing that happened yesterday! Let your leg touch me one more time.

Okay, Checkmates, I need you to believe what I am about to tell you. This isn't me. This has never been me, and this can never be me. Something happened to me last night. Something I am still trying to understand. So let me start from the beginning. This whole catastrophe started with Lancelot. I swear! CheckMates, by now you should know, anything that starts with Lancelot has already gone wrong before it even begins. I do not know why I keep answering this man's calls. I have started to believe Lancelot was born under a curse, and that curse is me. Because, tell me why, Lancelot has never brought anything positive into my life but problems. Okay. Lancelot called me. He said his friend was having his annual get-together, like a house party. He said, based on my personality and predicament, I was definitely going to leave the party with a babe. He said the host, his friend, had told him to come with his single male friends. I wasn't going to attend the party, but Lancelot kept insisting that I come. Lancelot pulled out every weapon in his arsenal. There is nothing Lancelot did not say to convince me.

Bro, if you see the amount of babes that this guy controls. Omo! This guy get babes for days. No way, no way, if you come this party, two or three go follow you go house. I swear. Na you go dey beg them. Dem go dey rush you like fly wey see fish.

CheckMates, let this be a public service announcement. The biggest mistake you can make in life is believing a single word that comes out of Lancelot's mouth. Lancelot has a BSc, two master's and one PhD in lying. If Lancelot tells you the sky is blue, please check outside and ask one or two people before you believe him. So on the day of the party, against every instinct I had, I went to Lancelot's house. Lancelot ordered the ride and then we left for the party. We had not even stepped out of the car when Lancelot turned to me with the seriousness of a man about to read my will. Lancelot told me there were four rules I had to obey at the party.

The first rule. No drink anything wey you know know. If you wan drink for this party, make sure say na you open the drink yourself.

I said, 'Okay', and Lancelot continued.

No. 2. Avoid Ifunaya. Na my guy, babe, be that. The guy wey dey organize the party. Abeg, no dance with am, no gist with am. No even look am. If she dey come left, dey go right. Abeg.

AH! Why?

Forget why. Just obey me. Na for your own good.

I said, 'Okay.' Lancelot continued.

Number 3, On no condition should you fight any guy over babe. If you follow babe talk and she no gree, abeg leave am, go follow another girl talk. No fight oh! If you fight and dem break your head, my own no go pass sorry oh.

You know me na. I don't fight. Don't worry, all is good. What is the fourth rule?

Whatever happens there stays there.

LANZ, What do you mean?

Don't worry, them no dey explain that one for person. Let's go. Driver, help me unlock the door, abeg. Edgar lets go!

That was how we paid for the ride and entered the compound. I had not even crossed the gate before I had my confirmation. Lancelot was right about one thing, there were girls everywhere. So many girls were outside. Tall ones, short ones, girls in heels, girls with fake bumbum and those that came to vibe and not impress anybody. A full buffet of girls. I was really impressed and happy that finally I am going to get a babe. As far as she was not Ifunaya, I had Lancelot's blessing to toast any girl with my full chest. This party wasn't the regular house party; before we entered the house, we had to register outside. We wrote our names, phone number, email, sex and status. If you see the way I wrote SINGLE in capital letters ehn. Bold. Underlined. Highlighted. God knows I did not go there to play. When we got into the house. Everywhere was buzzing. The DJ was blasting music in one corner. Some ladies were sharing small chops; some were serving drinks, while some were taking menu orders from the guests. Without wasting one second, I went to work. Scanning. Calculating. Eliminating the girls in the room for my spec. I was looking for any fine girl that looked decent and sweet. Someone without a man and someone that looked interesting. The first girl I saw looked alright, but when I saw her laugh, I could tell that this one was going to eat my money. How can you be laughing, and your full tongue is coming out of your mouth? I knew immediately. This one is not for me. Then I saw another one; fine girl. Looking sweet. As I was going to approach her, I saw she had this weird tattoo on her back. It looked like a butterfly from a distance but if you get close, you will see that the butterfly was actually covering the name "Olawale". My brain just said Error error error, retreat. Then I found her. A beautiful young lady. Sitting alone by the speaker with a cocktail in hand, just by the way she was sipping her drink, I could tell she was the one for me. She folded her arms, pressing her phone, completely unbothered by the chaos around her. She had this clean energy. Focused energy. My mind said, 'This one.' This is the one. Just before I could approach her, I saw someone familiar walking down the stairs.

TEEJAY THE VEEJAY. My Guy!

CHECK 1,2…1,2.

How far na? I didn't even know you would be here.

See this guy. The host is my guy na; we planned the whole thing together. Who invited you?

Lancelot.

Oh okay. That mad man. Where is he?

He should be somewhere around. I don't know.

No wahala. Edgar, my guy! Are you still single?

Yes I am, but with the amount of babes I am seeing in this place, omo, I am not leaving her alone, my G!

That's the way, my guy! See ehn, forget all these ones for downstairs. The real babes dey upstairs. If you see those ones, your body go melt like icecream

That's crazy, bro. How far you? You don get babe?

Emmm, not really, sha. E get one girl wey i like. We don dey talk for phone but we never see in person. The crazy thing be say, she dey around. She dey this party.

Oh for real?

Yeah… Sweet girl.

What's her name?

Her name is…

Ahh, my head. I cannot, give me a second. I know this. I know her name. It is right there. Why have I suddenly forgotten the name of this lady? I remember Teejay told me her name like five times, but I don't know why I still cannot remember. Ahh, my head. Give me a second. I know this. I know her name. ...I think it had a 'yin' in it. Oyin? Toyin? ...Moyin? Something with a yin at the end.

Edgar. Edgar, abeg. Some of us still want to sleep o. Who are you even talking to ehn? Since when did you start talking to yourself like this?. Abeg na!

I am sorry. I didn't know you were awake.

If you're on a call, you can go and talk outside, abeg.

I sit there for a second. I look at the man. He has no idea the kind of reckoning happening inside my head right now. But he is right. This is not his problem. If I were in my own house right now, none of this would even be an issue. Checkmates, give me a minute; let me look for somewhere quiet to continue this recording. As I leave the bed, I go to the door that leads outside. Finally, I have found my trousers but I can't find my jacket though. The trousers have this dried dirt on them, but it's fine. I also cannot find my jacket. Anyway, I put on the trousers and then walk to the only door that leads outside the room. The fresh air hits me like a slap. A welcome one, because it is only now, stepping outside, that I realise exactly how badly that room was stinking. The room smells of alcohol, spoilt food and sweat from the bodies of six men. I wonder how I managed to sleep peacefully in there but then again, I woke up with a headache like an owambe was happening in my brain. Maybe peaceful is not the word after all. As I step outside, my brain begins to reveal some important details. I see it. The compound. Plastic cups everywhere. A speaker lying on its side, still slightly warm, like it had been working all night and only just gave up. A bottle of something dark and sticky spilt near the gate. A couple of dried vomit spots on the wall and wait a minute, is that a used condom? Where was I when people were smashing? How did I miss that? I walk to the back of the compound, past a low wall, and the moment my hand touches that wall, something in me clicks. I can't remember what exactly but I remember something crazy happened here last night. And just then her name hits me. I remember her name clearly now. It was Moyin. Her name was Moyin. The girl Teejay had a crush on, her name was Moyin. Teejay described the lady to me and even pointed her out. And then it hit me. This was her. The same girl I had clocked from across the room minutes earlier. The one I called 'clean energy, focused mind', the one I told you I liked. Teejay had pointed me straight to the girl I had already chosen for myself. I had liked her first, technically. But Teejay liked her first by declaration. And since he said it first, I guess he can have her. Teejay told me he genuinely liked this girl, they had been talking on the phone for about a month, but he gets shy in person sometimes. So he begged me to break the ice for him. A soft landing, he called it. And I agreed.

Hi

Hello

My name is Edgar. What's the name?

Moyin, do i know you?

I don't know if you know me but I know you well.

How do you mean?

I am Teejay's friend and he has talked a lot about you. He has said so many interesting things about you.

Things like what?

Things like how beautiful you are, how intelligent and interesting you are. Not just to him but to everyone around you. He also talked about your smile. He said you have the most beautiful smile he has ever seen and I agree.

I will kill that boy. Is he around?

Yes. He is. He really loves you a lot. Do you like him?

Did he send you to say this?

No. He did not.

If he likes me, tell him to come say it to my face.

Okay! I will do just that.

That was how we kept talking. Since I couldn't date her, I tried to make her my friend. I noticed she had the picture of Roman Reigns on her phone wallpaper, and as a big WWE fan growing up, I knew there was a lot to talk about. We talked, we laughed, we exchanged numbers and then promised to check in on each other. After some minutes, I left Moyin and went back to Teejay. I told him everything she said. Teejay was so excited. He went to her, claimed his territory, and then, only God knows what they were saying. As I was scanning the room the second time, somebody from behind covered my eyes. My first thought was, 'Only someone who knows me would do this. And the people I knew in the party were not a lot. Lancelot, Teejay and now Moyin. Who could this person be?

Guess?

I seriously do not know.

Just guess first.

Hmm, that voice feels like Sharon's. Sharon, is that you?

Sharon Kor, shawarma ni!

Cordelia What are you doing here?

Please don't shout at me. We are not at home.

Does your mother know you're here?

Does your father know you're here?

Are you answering my questions with questions? Are you okay?

You are not okay dear. See, I did not come here to argue with you. I know why you're here. Let me help you joor.

What do you mean?

You came here to fine babe abi?

ME? No way. I came here to chill with my guys.

Be deceiving yourself. When you're ready, you will go upstairs and find someone sweet. The hot girls are there.

How do you know there are sweet girls upstairs?

Did you not see me…The same way I know your head is filled with stones and sawdust.

You are not normal.

Says the person who came to a party to look for babe. let me know when you're going home so we can go home together.

Who is going home with you? Cordelia, where are you going? Cordelia…Cordelia..Cordelia…

That was how Cordelia left me and followed one man like that. That man is old enough to be her father. I just hope whoever invited her told her the four rules of the party. Thank God nobody knows she is my neighbour. She will be alright last last. Some minutes later, I saw them, the big girls that were staying upstairs. The girls everyone kept talking about. They started coming down. If you see babes. Omo, these babes had class. They looked like angels without wings. They were about fifteen of them, give or take. As they walked down, everyone downstairs kept staring at them. Behind them, last to come down, was the host himself. The way this man dressed, you could tell he did not come to play. He wore this rich white traditional attire and went round greeting everybody he knew. The guy was just feeling himself, licking his big lips, acting like he was the son of the president. Of course he did not greet me. Me too, I did not greet him. He was looking at me like figure six. Me too, I was looking at him like figure nine. With all due respect, I did not come here because of you. Anyway, after some time, one guy told the DJ to stop playing music; that he had a major announcement to share. Turns out this one was the MC for the night. This guy took the mic and announced that everyone was to move outside to play this game. A very dangerous game. When I asked Teejay the game they wanted to play, Teejay said TRUTH OR DARE.

Guys! We are all adults here!

That should have been my cue to run. I should have packed my shoes that very second and gone home. Because the game was the beginning of this crazy headache I am having. I never knew Nigerians liked bad things like this. You needed to see the way people ran outside to play Truth or Dare. Even after the MC warned that the game was strictly for adults and freaky things were going to go down. People did not care; they went outside. Including Cordelia. Please tell me what Coredelia knows about Freaky Freaky! She is a small girl. I was just praying in my mind that someone should just dare her to go home. After everyone went outside, I stayed back. I was the only person left inside that house. For some reason, I liked the structure of the house. The walls were covered in different art pieces, so I decided to take a tour. I also wanted to see upstairs. I wanted to see the reason why those girls preferred upstairs to downstairs. I wanted to know what made the rooms upstairs better. So I went up. The first door I opened led to the small parlour. The room was basically empty. It had a big couch with women's clothes on it and some throw pillows. I also saw an iPhone charging in the room. Then I saw the guest room; it looked really good. The curtains, the lights, and even the bathroom were exuding luxury. There were two other rooms I could not enter because they were locked. I did try the handles. Twice. For research purposes. Then I got to the last room. It looked like the master bedroom. This had to be where the girls were. I opened the door quietly and entered the room. To my greatest surprise, the room was not empty. There was a lady sitting there. I saw a beautiful young lady sitting on the bed, looking so sad and troubled. Before I could explain why I was upstairs and how I was sorry for not knocking, she greeted me.

Good evening. Are you looking for someone?

Umm, yes. Sorry, no. I was looking for my charger. Are you not going outside to play the game with everyone?

I will go, but I don't feel very good right now.

What's wrong?

It's a girls' thing. Don't worry.

Are you stained?

Ehn hem.

Here. You can cover yourself with my jacket.

Oh please, you don't have to worry.

I insist. Please take it and use it.

Thank you so much. What's your name?

Edgar. What about you?

Ifunaya, but you can call me Ify.

Oh, so you are the Ifunaya?

I don't understand.

Never Mind. Is your partner the host of the party?

Yes, this is Jerry's house. He is not my partner…yet. He is my boyfriend.

Okay.

You seem like a very caring and fun guy to be with. Would you say you're fun and caring?

Yes. I consider myself fun and caring sometimes.

Come and sit here. Stop standing at the door like a police officer. Come and sit beside me.

Okay.

Tell me about yourself.

CheckMates, I want you to understand something. I did not plan this. It was not my intention to talk to this lady. I was only going round looking at the structure of the building. I was going to apologise for opening the door without knocking. How we ended up talking for forty-five minutes on Jerry's bed, I genuinely cannot explain. Ifunaya told me alot about herself. She told me her favourite series was friends. She talked about her star sign, and how she almost became a nun before she met Jerry. Let me not lie, from time to time, as I conversed with Ifunaya. I would hear some voices in my head telling me, 'Edgar, you shouldn't be here; you shouldn't be talking to her.' Remember rule number two. Edgar. Rule number two." Checkmates I tried. I tried ending the conversation so many times but she had a lot to say. She had so many things to say. So I allowed her. After some minutes, I heard someone shout my name from downstairs.

EDGAR! EDGAR! EDGAR!

I got up, opened the door and looked downstairs. It was Lancelot. He wanted me to come join the TRUTH OR DARE game with the guys outside.

Guy, wetin you dey do upstairs? Come down come play game abeg.

Sorry, I was using the restroom.

This guy. I no trust you. Who dey upstairs?

Ehn...

Who dey upstairs with you?

Nobody. Everyone is outside.

Oya, let's go outside and play truth or dare.

As I walked outside with Lancelot, something in me wanted to turn back and tell him the truth that I had just spent the better part of an hour with the one woman at this party he specifically told me to avoid. Something in me wanted to tell him I had broken rule number 2 but I did not say anything. CheckMates, I want you to remember this moment, because everything turned upside down the moment I went outside to play TRUTH OR DARE with the guys. I need a minute. Let me drink some water and wash my head. This headache is starting to come back, and so is my memory. We will be right back.

AH! CheckMates, my head has started again. I thought washing my face would make me feel a little better, but I guess it's getting worse. Anyway, let's continue. So we got outside. Everybody had joined this wide circle. Some people were sitting on chairs, some at tables, some on plastic chairs, while others were standing. Everyone had a red cup. The moment I got there, they forced three shots of whisky into my hands for joining late. Three shots, CheckMates. As a welcome gift. I wasn't going to do it, but the MC told me everyone took a shot, so I had to take it too. I looked at Lancelot. He nodded in approval, so I took it. The moment I swallowed it. I felt the hot pain in my throat. I got confused. How does a drink that is cold in the glass suddenly become fire in your throat? Who designed this? Who approved this? No be Juju be this. And the thing wasn't sweet. Before my head could think of an answer, the MC holding this big empty bottle stood in the middle and told everyone to relax.

Everybody! Settle down, settle down! Remember, you can only pick truth ones; after that, it's Dare till Mama calls. Anything goes. We are all adults here. If you cannot do it. You either pay 10k, drink from the mystery bowl or eat sweet cake. The choice is yours.

Everybody laughed. I laughed too. In my head, I was like, The dare cannot be anything too serious; I should be able to do anything I am asked to do. The game continued. The MC spun the bottle. Whoever it pointed to had to choose between truth or dare. The first few people got mild things; everybody was playing safe and picking truth at first. They asked one girl for her body count; the girl got up and said 15. Everyone laughed, and the game continued. They dared one guy to call his ex on speakerphone and apologise to her. People were screaming, laughing, and recording everything on their phones. The energy was high. Genuinely fun. I remember thinking, This is actually a good party. Lancelot, for once in his miserable life, did not lie to me. I was having fun. Then the bottle landed on me.

Edgar right? Truth or dare?

I should have said truth. Checkmates, I want you to understand, truth would have cost me nothing. Truth would have meant answering an embarrassing question and moving on with my life. I wasn't expecting anything too nasty. I only said 'Dare' because I didn't want to kill the party's spirit. I did not know I was about to lose my own spirit. I opened my big lips with a useless smile on my face and said,

Dare.

The whole circle first said, 'Ah!!!' That was the first time in my life, I knew that Ah was different from Ah. There is Ah like youre tired, there is an "Ah, like you're surprised", but this Ahh came with shock like "Edgar you're in serious trouble." The lady that was to dare me had about nine piercings on her face alone. She was chewing gum with this wicked smile on her face. The MC asked her to dare me, and this was what she said.

Okay Edgar! Since you are bold, pick any girl in this circle. Anyone.

I picked one lady like that. This lady had been looking at me ever since I got to the circle; something said, 'Pick her,' and I did. The lady daring me continued.

OKay so Edgar, you're going to take off your trousers. Take off your boxers, and this lady will give you head for five minutes. Right here. Right now.

CheckMates, you needed to hear the way everyone said AHH. This 'ahh' is not the same as the first three oh. This 'Ahh' was the kind of 'Ahh' you say when you hear that someone you just finished talking to five minutes ago just had a fatal accident. I immediately told the MC I couldn't do it. That the dare was too much. You needed to see the way people were begging me to do it. That it was just a game. That the story wouldn't leave there. Even the girl I picked was begging me to allow her give me head. I said, 'No!' I held my ground and said I wasn't going to do it. I cannot allow a stranger put her mouth on my Benjamin. Just like that. In front of everybody. Haba na! I may not have sense sometimes, but I am properly cultured. As I was complaining. The MC became upset.

Edgar, you fall my hand sha. You be better Chicken! Since you don't want to do it. You have to choose one. Either you pay 10k, drink, or eat cake. Baba Choose?

Now I wasn't going to pay the 10k or drink the mysterious drink. Nobody had to tell me there was something in the drink; I wasn't stupid. I knew there was something in the drink. Again, Lancelot had told me not to drink anything I didn't open. They had the mysterious drink in a big bowl. The drink was obviously mixed with something. So I went for the safest option. The sweet cake. CheckMates, it was just a cake. Dark chocolate. Sitting there on a small plate, looking completely innocent, looking like something your aunty brings to a birthday party. What could possibly be wrong with a cake? The MC held the cake up on a small plate. I grabbed the whole slice and finished it in one go. No hesitation. No fear. Full confidence. Everybody shouted, 'Ahh'. Another Ah! That was when I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I looked at Lancelot. Lancelot shook his head. I went back to my seat. The guy sitting beside me looked at me and said

Bro, that was too much! You should have just paid the money.

I looked at him. I told him I was fine and that I actually enjoy eating cake. The guy looked at me and said

You are fine now. Give it five minutes, and you will testify, my bro.

I just hissed and continued playing the game with the rest of the guys. A few minutes later, the game got really crazy. People were doing crazy things. One guy used his mouth to unhook and remove a lady's bra. One lady kissed a guy for 10 minutes nonstop. One guy was forced to lick a lady's armpit. It was crazy. People ate cake; some drank the mysterious drink while others did whatever they were dared to do. I was just laughing and laughing and laughing. Until I realised that I was laughing when nothing was funny. I was just laughing for no reason. That was when I knew the cake was not ordinary. Everything suddenly became hilariously funny. Someone asked me what the time was, and it sounded funny. The way the security light kept flickering was funny. My toes and fingers were making me laugh. Everything was funny. After 15 minutes, my madness moved to level two; words started to echo. I remember Lancelot asking me if I was okay. I am sure he asked me once, but what I heard was

Are you okay? Okay? Okay?

I tried to stand up; something pushed me back to my seat. A few minutes later, my madness moved to level three; I started seeing everything in slow-mo. I wanted to call Teejay on the phone. It took me three minutes to raise my hands and put them in my pockets to bring my phone out. I looked around and noticed everyone was dancing in slow motion. I was confused. CheckMates. That was the moment I understood, with full clarity, in slow motion, while my fingers were making me laugh, that the cake had weed in it. Now I wasn't the only one running mad. Different people showcased their madness differently. Even the MC and the host. One guy came up to me and said

Bro, I will make you the president of this country. You're the future leader of tomorrow. I hope you know that?

I was confused. When did I become a politician? As I looked towards my left, one babe had fallen inside the gutter, and she was laughing seriously. I was laughing too. The next thing I noticed was Cordelia. Cordelia did not only drink the mysterious drink, but but she also ate the cake twice. I couldn't believe my eyes. Coredia was dancing with a tree, rocking the tree, begging the tree to kiss her. I couldn't help Cordelia; I was going through my own madness too. Even the MC was sitting on the floor crying. I still don't understand why he was crying. As he was crying, I was laughing. And then, through all the levels of madness and the tree-dancing, I saw Moyin. She was calm. Completely calm. Like she hadn't taken anything. Just standing there, watching the chaos around her with this quiet, amused look on her face. I don't remember seeing her playing the game with us. She looked sane to me. And in that moment, high as I was, she looked like the most interesting person in the world. So I went to see her. I don't even remember deciding to walk over. My legs and my brain were not functioning together. Now my madness was on level five. At this point, you could actually hear my thoughts clearly. My brain was bringing out everything I was thinking from my mouth. I couldn't think quietly again. Everything was coming out. I sat beside Moyin. She looked at me.

Edgar, are you okay?

Yes, I am okay. God, how bad do I look right now that she is asking me this? I hope my eyes are not red. Edgar, put yourself together.

You know I can hear you, right?

Hear what? Jesus Christ, is she hearing me? How is she hearing me?

I heard that too. Edgar, are you high?

Edgar don't say you're high. Never agree that you're high. Tell her you don't feel well. Edgar, say it properly. Emm, I don't feel too good.

Now this is funny. I heard you tell yourself to tell me you're not high even when its really obvious. Did you eat the cake?

Yes, I did. Just a little bit. A small piece. I swear on my late grandmother.

It's alright, Edgar. You don't have to swear. I believe you.

Thank you, Moyin. By the way, you look like a queen. Has anyone ever told you that?. You know who you remind me of?

Who?

AJ Lee.

AJ Lee?

The WWE superstar. She has this energy. This calm, dangerous energy where you look at her, and you cannot tell if she is going to smile at you or destroy you completely. That is you right now.

That might be the most interesting thing anyone has ever said to me at a party.

I have more. My brain has a lot more. It is all coming out right now; I cannot stop it.

Then don't stop it. By the way, you have amazing long lashes.

You have very soft-looking lips.

Edgar.

I said what I said. They look very soft. Are they?

Why don't you find out?

CheckMates. Those were her exact words. She pulled me closer. And I kissed her. I do not know how long it lasted. When you hit level five madness, time does not work the same way. It could have been ten seconds. It could have been a full minute. I dont remember. I closed my eyes and saw myself flying down from a plane. The kiss took me to different places and brought me back to her. It was the best thing that happened that night. I felt her tongue on my tongue. I was so high I could feel my blood moving through my body. Every single part of me came alive. I felt my tongue producing saliva. Every single part of my body came alive. And as we locked lips, I heard footsteps.

Ah ah. What are you people even doing sef?

I pulled back. Teejay was standing there, looking at us with this expression that could not fully decide what it was. His face could not decide what it wanted to be. I opened my mouth to apologise and then I looked at him properly. Teejay was not in any condition to receive an apology. He was somewhere between level six and level seven.

I am sorry; let me give you guys some privacy. Take it easy on my babe, Edgar, I am coming back.

He laughed again and walked away. Checkmates, Immediately he left I felt bad. I felt dirty. I was making out with the same lady my friend asked me to help me talk to some hours ago. He called her his babe. I did not want this to become a thing. Not tonight. Not like this. Moyin was completely unbothered. She looked at me the way someone looks when they have no idea they are at the centre of a problem. She didnt care about Teejay. But i did. So i told her i was going to the restroom. But my actual plan was to find Teejay, apologise immediately, and blame the entire situation on the devil, the cake, and whoever thought lacing a cake at a party was a good idea. As I left Moyin in that corner and started walking back toward the circle. I was looking for Teejay when I saw them. Ifunaya and Jerry. Standing near the side of the building. And the conversation they were having was not a calm one. Jerry was drunk and upset about something I didn't know. He was pointing at Ifunaya, his voice raised, his body language all wrong. Ifunaya had her arms crossed, jaw tight, eyes sharp. I was honestly ready to walk past. And then Jerry reached over, snatched my jacket from her waist, and threw it on the ground. The blood stain on her dress was now visible to everyone in that corner. Nobody said anything. The silence was the loudest it had been all night. I was irritated. I do not know what came over me. Maybe it was the high. Maybe it was the forty-five minutes we had spent talking in that room. Maybe it was because I really liked that jacket and hate men who bully women. Whatever the reason, I walked over to them.

Hey. Is everything okay here?

Who are you? Bro. Mind your business.

I am not talking to you. I am talking to her.

The lady is my girlfriend. Who invited you into this conversation? Do you know who I am? Na my house we dey oh.

I know it's your house. I am asking if she is okay.

Commot from my face. Baba clear. You wan make I change am for you?

I am not in your face. I am standing right here. What will you do?

CheckMates, I want you to understand, I am a calm person. Calm and soft are not the same thing. But I was also on level five of a weed cake high, getting close to a level six. My brain, my mouth, my common sense, all of it was on autopilot. I was not in control of anything. Jerry looked at me, full of rage. He got mad, and then he pushed me. One hard shove. Both hands on my chest. I went backwards. I do not remember hitting the ground. I just remember seeing the sky. And then I remember this morning's headache and a ceiling that was not my ceiling. CheckMates, that is the last thing I remember from that night. Everything after that point, how I got inside, whose bed I ended up on, what happened to my trousers, and all of that, is somebody else's story. A story I was not conscious of. Wait. Lancelot. Lancelot told me not to drink anything I didn't open myself, which means he didn't drink the mysterious drink either. He was sober the whole night. He saw everything. I dont even know where he is but i know he must have watched everything happen to me. He knows the full story. Let me give him a call. Where is my phone? Battery is almost dead. Perfect. Everything is perfect today.

Lanz how far? Where you dey my guy?

I dey my house. So you don finally wake?

Brooo. I woke up and found five other people in a room with me. It was crazy this morning.

Edgar, Are you okay? If i knew you were light-headed, I wouldn't have invited you for the party. How many pieces of that cake did you eat? Because the nonsense you did yesterday was not small.

Lancelot. No vex my guy. I didnt know the cake had weed in it. What did i do abeg? What happened after the issue with Jerry and Ifunaya?

You fell and slept on the floor. Bro, your pictures have gone round. I wanted to carry you up; you were telling me to use the duvet to cover you. I gave you four rules. You broke three out of the four in the space of how many minutes? Guy, you just yeed yourself yesterday.

My bro, no vex for me. I still don't feel good. My head aches.

Before Unko. The part that pained me was when I tried to carry you to the room, you vomited on me. Bro, I swear I cannot forgive you for that one. I had to carry you into the room with two other guys. I took off your clothes so you would be comfortable. Guy, you don't try at all. You just fall on my hand.

You took off my clothes?

Are you mad? What did you want me to do? Please don't even get me upset; I no even dey mood. I dey look for my gold wristwatch.

Lancelot, no vex my guy. No vex. Are you with my jacket?

Yes. Your jacket is in my place.

Thank you so much. Please, can you help me order a ride? My phone is low.

Okay no problem but you will pay the driver oh. I dont have money for you.

Lancelot, thank you. I will pay.

When you get home, bath and sleep oh. Drink plenty of water. Your body will need it. Remember the fourth rule, whatever happens there, stays there. No one must know what happened last night.

Emm okay. What about Cordelia? Where is she?

I do not know where Cordelia is.

Lancelot,

I said I do not know. She is a big girl. She will be fine. Go home, Edgar. Comment from my phone.